Every once in a while, I meet someone who still thinks the Oscars are fully for real, so I thought I’d present a little primer. Reading this post may cause disillusionment, and this site will not be held responsible if it ruins your evening.
(1) The people who vote do not carefully watch each film they’re voting on. They probably don’t even see any of them. They vote like you and I do for governmental elections, with such methods as the tried-and-true: ask friends “Who are you going to vote for?” and then randomly pull a lever according for whichever idiot sounds like he’d make a better drinking buddy, or is cuter, or slept with someone you know, or whatever.
(2) The “Academy” consists of any fool who belongs to a Guild and asks to become a member. Melanie Griffith, the woman who thought the Holocaust was a myth when she was cast in a movie about it, could be an academy member.
(3) They recognizeable actresses don’t own those dresses, and the jewelry is just costume replicants of the real stuff. Most of you probably know this. What you may not know is, the unfamiliar people you see in the audience are called “seat-fillers” – they are extras paid minimum wage to sit in empty seats. They do have to pay for their own dresses and jewelry. That’s America: if you’re important enough to be able to afford luxuries and healthcare and stuff, you’re important enough to get it for free. I think this is the entertainment industry version of trickle-down economics, but my silly little female head gets confused by all that logical stuff.
(4) The Oscars are being held two blocks from a shitty apartment I used to live in. It takes Oscars security about three days to run off all the crack dealers and prostitutes who work that neighborhood every night of the year so the stars (and you) won’t be exposed to life in the actual district of Hollywood. The American Dream: Best Viewed through Squinty Vision.
(5) Roughly 80% of the breasts you see tonight will actually be bags of saline lodged under a thin layer of human flesh.
(6) Some of the actresses you see tonight will have needed emergency back liposuction in order to get squeezed into their clothes without having weird bulges near their armpits. (Didn’t we used to tailor the dresses instead of the actresses?)
(7) 90% of the people you see tonight are stoned in some manner because they can’t deal with reality. That’s why they’re in film. And that’s why film loves them: neurotics are so easily manipulated.