Boob job for Maria robot from Metropolis

Updated to add: Doll now selling for around $9 on eBay. ‘Tis the fate of all plastic.

Sadly, it just gets easier and easier to find stuff to write about on this blog.

Last night, I went to dinner with a friend, and afterward we went to a toy store. Well, a collectible toy store – the sort where adults talk about dolls being “mint in package” as opposed to the kind of place you take your nephew.

From across the room,we saw something very exciting: a largish action figure of the Maria robot from Metropolis, Fritz Lang’s 1927 hallmark of early sci-fi and German filmmaking. It’s a fascinating movie, but for the purpose of this article, all you need to know is that this robot was based on a real woman character in the film named Maria, and the robot looked like the picture you see above.

When we got closer to the action figure, our jaws dropped: MariaBot had gotten some serious breast enhancement. We’re not talking slight exaggeration, we’re talking about huge knockers that stick out weirdly from her metal chest. We’re talking, “I didn’t know Pamela Anderson’s doctor did robots”.

Why? Why, for the love of all that’s good, does a robot need Double-D’s?

Well, the retail store’s website has something to offer on that subject:

“Inspired by the original False Maria from Metropolis, this figure has been sculpted with modern sensibilities in mind.”

Does that kind of just say it all, or should I go on? Do “modern sensibilities” mean “carefully manipulated demographic info reflecting that young males of the much-lauded target audience require huge headlights in order to appreciate a female character?”

After all, cartoon girl Lara Croft, who commanded a disturbing level of sexual interest in men and boys for someone who wasn’t even played by a human being (or is that the very appeal?) had big ‘uns. Angelina Jolie had to be padded to match when she played the role on film. And X-rated anime is strangely popular in a world where hardcore porn is available online for $2.95/month.

I think finally I’ve found a cause that could ally feminists with the powerful and resourceful Playboy magazine empire: if our boys are gradually becoming so flaccid of, er, spirit that they can’t even respond to degraded real women, but actually require cartoons and toys to get their jollies, that’s something the soft- and hardcore porn industries might find a bit threatening to business. Or else they’ll just start making cartoons. In either case, I suppose women would be well out of it.

But here’s the big question: does anyone really believe men in general are that pathetic? If so, I’d say the whole human species should consider a big poisoned Kool-Aid party, and let some better species take over. But call me an optimist – I’m unwilling to buy that this crap is what most men or boys want. I think the so-called demographic information that allows filmmakers and toymakers and politicians to blame us for their decision-making process, is being used to program us to think, “I must be in the minority, so I’ll just hush up.”

I put forth that eavesdropping on people’s conversations is as scientific a method for discovering demographic trends as the one on which advertising agencies spend billions of dollars in client money: offer people limited, crappy choices, then assume what they pick is what they really, passionately want. Yes, I do know guys who seem to be obsessed with biologically unsound breast sizes, not to mention lots of other fairly disturbing stuff (hey, just being human is a little disturbing). But I like to go people watching and listening, and I have heard guys discuss amongst themselves (unaware they’re being overheard) how medium-sized breasts are better. How lots of makeup is just gross. How girls who are too skinny are less touchable than girls who are mildly overweight (their idea of normal weight being well-above what was programmed into the 60’s – ’80’s generations).

The new MariaBot is recommended for ages 14 and up. Go figure.


  1. says

    I too find the travesty of the original Maria utterly grotesque and repulsive (not that I have the slightest aversion to generous feminine curves!). I am also pessimistic concerning the male propensity to respond to visual stimuli – in other words, they are that pathetic. I wonder how many breast enlargements were inspired by that collection of animated pixels that goes by the name of Lara Croft, however? Male desire spawning female insecurity. As for men taking refuge in computer-generated fantasy worlds, indeed: the women there conform to cultural stereotypes concerning the ideal, they do not grow old or sag, they do not answer back, they are completely controlled by the player who literally possesses life and death powers over them, they do not challenge his virility or his professional competence. Harmless stress-relief or yearning for “simpler” days of clearly-defined roles and domination? This ties in with the entire debate over the influence of TV and related forms of escapist entertainment on minds, the cognitive feedback loop phenomenon. As for animated porn, it exists, sad though this may seem! I only know, I hasten to add because I spotted a new release on an amazon list and clicked on it in the mistaken belief that I was ordering a black and white British film from the 60s starring Dirk Bogarde and Julie Christie whereas what actually arrived through my letterbox was a lurid piece of animé. Reading the back cover was enough to make me award it the Grand Order of the Dustbin.

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