Dear LifetimeTV…

Dear LifetimeTV,

I thought after all these years, you might want to know why I don’t watch your programming. I have two X chromosomes and everything, yet I resist. You must be curious.

Here’s a great example: Beach Girls.

That image I’ve been seeing all over town on billboards does not make me want to watch a drama called Beach Girls. The reasons are subtle, layered, complexed, and aged in oak barrels, but I’ll do my best to explain them clearly.

  • Giant images of other women’s partially-clothed asses. While I don’t particularly dislike naked women, and occasionally am one myself, images like this really do not provide me an incentive to watch your movie. Hint: similar images involving men instead of women have been known to evoke a different response from me. It’s mysterious, I know, but maybe you can figure out why.
  • The name “Beach Girls”. It makes me think of Gidget. Is that the signal you meant to be sending? Will you have scenes where people surf on a stationary board while badly-matched stock footage from the Santa Monica Pier rolls by in the background? If so, I think I was down there the day you filmed the footage. Were you the guy whose bag of camera gear was plundered by our local terrorist seagulls?
  • The promise of sex and secrets. Maybe I just don’t get what’s exciting about sex and secrecy in combination. Then again, when dining with relatives who considered “wait until you’re married to have sex” an appropriate conversation topic, I was always the evil child who considered “the benefits of masturbation for the celibate” to be an equally appropriate response. Still haven’t figured out why one’s okay and the other taboo. So maybe I’m the strange one here.
  • Rob Lowe.

In short, it’s probably just me. You’re a network run by women, so you must know what women really want to see. Perhaps I am defective in not wanting to see your programming.

I think I will, however, go see what the marauding seagulls are up to this weekend. If you ever make a movie called “Beach Gulls”, I may just be up for it.


  1. says

    *cracking up*

    Yeah, there sure are a lot of female butts on that website… Sometimes I’m really glad I don’t watch television anymore.

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