A while back, reader Wemblee posted this comment:

I hope this doesn’t seem too weird, and it’s kind of off-topic, but: okay, this is my first time at this blog, and this post really struck a chord with me, as did your bio. I’m a writer and a recent film grad that’s new to LA, and the whole “nerdy-girl-feminist-fish-out-of-water in a land full of beautiful people” thing is kind of freaking me out. Do you have any survival tips? (I literally, until reading this, didn’t even think that there was a “surplus of beautiful women” in LA… I was just spending all this time wondering why I felt so lousy about my appearance all of a sudden. I am clueless.)

She asked for an email, and I sent her one. Then I got two more comments along those lines - young women considering moving to L.A. for school and/or film careers, who are feminists and nerds and are wondering how you cope with the weirdness that is L.A. I decided to write a post about it - not because I have the answers. No one does. But I can maybe tell you what to expect and give you some starting points for figuring out what will work for you. (And I’ve thought this out more than I had when I first emailed Wemblee, so I hope she’s still reading.)

Starting with the superficial…

I’ve lived in 9 cities/towns and 5 US states during my lifetime, and nowhere has there been such a concentration of traditionally beautiful people. For me, this was the first odd thing about L.A. that leaped out at me. There are some really gorgeous men, but there are a ridiculous number of women who look fantastic. As a result, men here are generally much pickier than in many other regions, and almost without noticing, you will find you’ve downgraded your perception of your looks. Even if you think looks don’t matter, this can hurt your self-esteem until you realize what’s happening.

My recommendation: forget about the men at first, and get to know some of the stupendously gorgeous women! Especially if you’re going into film; most of them will be actresses, and knowing them is networking. But they can also be some great friends: they understand the sexism women face behind or before the camera, and appreciate that if you’re pursuing a career behind the camera, you might be able to help each other out someday.

And they’ll tell you about some of the cosmetic crap they go through to look the way they do so you can realize just how unreal a lot of the beauty here is. They grasp that beauty is a commodity in this town - like software engineering skills are a commodity in Silicon Valley - and I’ve yet to meet a gorgeous film actress or model who takes herself very seriously. This helps you realize just how much you are through the looking glass in this town - normal rules don’t apply.

You will also discover that some of them don’t do plastic surgery - they’re just that gorgeous. Beautiful people have been flocking to this town and making babies with other beautiful people for generations now. But even they get that beauty is a crock - at least, Hollywood’s idea of it. I felt a lot of solidarity with actresses, beautiful and otherwise, back when I was hanging out with them. Film is a sexist industry and that tends to make feminists and feminist-friendlies out of women who never expected to find themselves griping about sexism.

You will probably not get hit on by men as often as you did wherever you used to live. But despite not meeting the Hollywood beauty standard at all, I’ve managed to attract several nice and very good-looking guys over the years, and am still attracting nice, cute guys in their 20s now that I’m 35. And I really don’t even try to meet men. This says to me there are a number of guys here who are capable of lusting after women who don’t look like HW tells them we should look, or who appreciate my biting sense of humor enough to overlook the fact that I’m not the best looking woman available to them.

A feminist in film

The good news is, you’re not alone. Think I was the only one arguing that audiences want more varied roles in their movies now? Never. The industry ranks are filled with people who want change - better representation for women, for other races, etc. The reason you don’t see results from their desires is that they’re overruled by those who are absolutely certain you can’t make money without pandering to prejudice. In fact, some of them believe it, too.

I recommend seeking these people out and allying with them. You have a lot more internet resources than I had in the mid-90s for finding people who think like you do. You’ll need that support, both inside and outside the industry. One of the first things you learn in film is to be nice to everyone - even the carpenter outside - because you never know who will be the head of a studio 10 years from now. Reach out to every like-minded person you meet in the industry and keep in contact with them. You never know when you’ll find yourself part of a group that’s collectively got enough power to make a dent.

L.A. - not to be taken seriously

One of the best tips I have about living in L.A. is: don’t take it seriously. It doesn’t take itself seriously. Well, you have whiny people with the mentality of two-year-olds in positions of frightening authority, but other than that it’s a town that knows it’s a (very profitable) joke. You’ll never get yelled at for venting about what a stupid place it is.

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From Amie Breeze:

I have uploaded a new podcast for my Sistah Vegan Podcast Show.  It is called: Speciesism: Why We Cannot Fully Eradicate it if We are Unmindful of its Contingency Upon Racism, Racialization, and Normalization of Whiteness  by Breeze Harper

Breezie is an AMAZING critical thinker; her incredibly lucid explanations for the inter-relations between food, food production, and race always leave me feeling slightly stunned at how goshdarn smart this chick is. Here’s her earlier post on Hathor, in case you missed it.

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Anytime you claim that men find you intimidating or “scary”, it generates debate. In a world where men are taught to look to women for support, not competition, some men do find a woman intimidating if she shows her intelligence or demonstrates self-sufficiency. The counter usually boils down to, “Just because you’re smart/self-sufficient doesn’t mean that’s why they reject you/ignore you. Maybe they do it because you’re just not nice.”

The problem with that argument is that niceness is required of women and looked down upon in men. We’re told “nice guys finish last.” We may like how nice they are, but they don’t get the promotions, the hot dates, the hard work from their employees, etc. (or so we’re conditioned to think). Conversely, when women are as authoritative, fair but unsympathetic, and aggressive as men are congratulated on being, we often get labeled “bitch.”

Katems at Feministing talks about having mixed feelings because men fear her.

Apparently my landlord, the man of the couple that lives next door, my husband’s mother and brother and everyone else I’ve ever told off have all confided in my husband that they are afraid of me. Both of us find this pretty hilarious considering that I’m barely 5′3 and around 100 lbs. I asked my husband what exactly scares people when I call them out on being ass-holes. He says it’s a combination of my intensity and the fact that I sugarcoat nothing and have a habit off cutting people to the core with my words.

That’s me. I read a lot of stories in which women describe harassment and the feeling of being scared and not knowing what to do, or thinking of some great comeback minutes after the event is over. My response is quite different: my adrenaline surges, I zone in quickly on that person’s insecurities, my vision goes a little hazy, and I want to physically hurt the person. I have to restrain that urge and redirect my energy into a verbal barb or a gesture that lets them know to back off.

For example: if a man tries to touch me in a remotely inappropriate way, I’ll try to edge away politely if the situation permits. If he’s insistent, I am 100% fully entitled to hit him. And I have done it. It stuns people, but to their credit I must say no one has ever criticized me for it. Several men have even congratulated me, and I’m not talking feminist ally types: I’m talking about men from all walks of life who simply don’t think women should be bullied.

This isn’t limited to men or sexual harassment. When AT&T tried to screw me over recently, I called them on every line of bullshit they shoveled my way until they realized they hadn’t a leg to stand on. When a medical billing company tried to charge me for something they weren’t supposed to and on top of that made it nearly impossible for me to reach anyone, I gave them hell to the point that the supervisor called my doctor, realized I was right and called me back, sounding scared. I am very forgiving of mistakes - we all make them. I also restrain myself when dealing with the people who aren’t responsible but get used as human shielding for those who are (i.e., customer service reps). But I just cannot tolerate bullshit, not even when it would be to my advantage to tolerate it for the moment. And even when I avoid being overly sarcastic or using my more colorful vocabulary, there’s a tone in my voice that says, “Nobody’s going home until either I’m satisfied with the outcome or you’re bleeding.”

If at this point you think I sound like a ranting bitch… I feel sorry for you. Get out more - you might just meet some people (not just women) who can be firm and unyielding without being mean or demeaning. It happens.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if a man who tolerates as little bullshit as I do would not also be considered “intimidating.” While men are conditioned to tolerate less crap than women, I think most people are uncomfortable enough with confrontation to prefer letting slights slide. I’m uncomfortable with confrontation, too, but for me the confrontation begins when someone bullies me, not when I choose not to let it slide, and since I’m already in I might as well kick some ass.

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From the mailbag, reader Matt reports that the Guardian published an article about a man who furtively took bad photos of women in bathing suits and drew in their breasts and hips when the photos didn’t turn out so well. The article’s author is so busy sympathizing with the photographer’s inability to get laid that he neglects to so much as mention that the women he photographed may have found his coping method more than a little creepy.

You might be interested in this piece from the Guardian’s website - http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2008/aug/02/art.photography

Now I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t some sort of elaborate scam, but even making that assumption the article is still somewhat disturbing. There’s a lot of talk about photographic kit, about what may be mental illness (a worrying romanticisation in itself), and about the biographies of various male artists and photographers. But nowhere are the supposed subjects of Miroslav Tichy’s photographs, the women, given more than the most cursory mention.

No mention of stalking, of how creepy it might be to have some furtive, unknown man snatching photos of you, or much sign at all that women are anything more than mysterious objects to be stared at.

One of the most distasteful passages will be a familiar subject to your readers:

“In the summer of 1991, I went to live in Paris for a while. It was blazing hot, I knew almost no one and was in a torment of loneliness and sexual frustration. My apartment was a pit, so I spent the afternoons in the park, looking, hoping, torn between the desire to talk to one of the many women sunbathing and terrified that to do so was a form of harassment. Meanwhile, other men were doing exactly what I wanted to do, sitting down, chatting to women - and not always getting told to shove off. I remember being crushed by the way the simple mathematics of desire refused to come out right: there were so many women in the world, how could it be so difficult to find one? The question contains its answer: it’s that tormenting and beckoning one, the chance in a million that non-mathematicians call love.”

Perhaps naively I’m surprised that in the twenty-first century a liberal newspaper could publish this.

I found the whole article’s tone too retro to qualify as twenty-first century. The quoted paragraph above is from the perspective of the author, not a quote from the photographer. The author identifies with the photographer - two horny guys getting rejected by the gatekeepers of sex. He remembers not being sure whether talking to a woman in a bathing suit would be considered harassment. Clearly, sexual harassment is on his mind, but not as something bad that happens to the harassed - rather, as something that removes courting options from Nice Guys who very, very badly need to get their penises serviced. That, in his mind, is the tragedy.

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I recently wrote a post to explain the difference between street harassment and sincere flirtation. Unthinkingly, I wrote it to an audience of women. I guess I unconsciously assumed any man who would yell sexual remarks at strange women would not come to this site in an attempt to figure out why “that uptight bitch” glared at him, told him off or called his boss and damn near got him fired!

That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t write that version all the same, so here it is. If you’re a man who has been rebuffed more than once by women you thought you were flattering, this article is for you. (I say “more than once” because misunderstandings could account for the occasional incident.)

It’s not up to you what I find flattering

The first problem with thinking a woman “should be” flattered by your behavior and getting irritated when she’s not is that flattery is subjective. Some people are flattered by comments about how smart they are. Others want to hear how good they look. And some of us react warily at any flattery attempt because we assume they’re buttering us up for a favor.

If a woman doesn’t take what you intended as a compliment the way you expect, the correct response is to recognize you’ve had a communication problem. It could be that she misunderstood you but it might also be that you don’t sound like you think you do. To think of her, call her, or later describe her to your friends as an “uptight bitch” is an attempt to feel superior to her - to label her as defective. Because that is the real reason you’re yelling at her - to, in some way, make yourself feel superior. If that weren’t true - if you really just found her appealing and were hoping for her phone number - you’d be anxious to correct the communication problem and, with any luck, actually get that number.

Approaching women in packs isn’t flattering. In fact, it’s threatening.

Being approached by a group of strangers is always intimidating, no matter your gender, the context, or how big and strong you are. Being outnumbered by people you don’t know well enough to trust gets your guard up. You know this because you are alive on Earth and you’ve ever been approached by a group of strangers at some point in your existence. You’ve seen it in movies. You know what it feels like. And you can’t seriously think that when the strangers are commenting flatteringly on someone’s body (which is most likely less physically imposing than any one of theirs) this mitigates the effect. It’s often quite the opposite, in fact, as it calls attention to her vulnerability.

You know deep down it’s not flattering; that’s just your excuse.

If you’re honest with yourself, you know it’s not really about how attractive she is. It’s about one of two things:

• The men. Most often, catcalling at a woman is a way men socialize with each other. You’re trying to impress each other with who can say the most outrageous things, or who can get a smile or glance from the most passing women. The woman is just part of the scenery, so it’s no surprise you’re oblivious to her feelings. Her responses don’t represent a person with sensitivities to you; they represent a finish line, and tell you whether or not your verbal volleys are scoring.
• Intimidating women. For every bunch of guys who thinks catcalling is harmless because they know their own motives aren’t hateful, there’s one guy who really hates women and revels in feeling that a woman is afraid of him. He thinks his buddies feel the same way, and when they engage in the same behavior, they are (perhaps unwittingly) encouraging him.

Whether you’re merely insensitive to what strange women feel or actually hate them doesn’t really matter. The behavior was invented by men who hate women, and by participating in it - in fact, by not calling on other men to stop doing it - you’re encouraging misogynistic attitudes whether you mean to or not, whether you share them or not.

It’s not so much what you say as how you say it

Flirtation can be edgy, even with strangers. People often think the whole “politically correct” movement is about a list of words and gestures you can or can’t use, and all you have to do is follow the “good” list (which leads to eye-rolling logic like this: “Okay, guys, we can’t yell Suck me! at them anymore, so I guess we’ll yell Come sit on my lap! instead”), but it’s not that simple. It’s mostly about listening and paying attention to the signals the person you’re talking to gives off in response to you. This is something everyone has to do in flirting - even women. Even really gorgeous or rich people. Communication is a tricky thing, and we all make mistakes in it, but listening is the most important tool. (In fact, listening is probably the top skill that enables people who aren’t gorgeous, rich, or witty to attract those who are.)

But harassment isn’t communication

The best definition of “harassment” (of any sort) I can give you is one-way communication. It’s that simple. It doesn’t even have to involve an ugly motive; it’s just someone talking at you instead of with you. While everyone has a different tolerance for that sort of behavior, no one likes it and that’s why you need to stop when someone tells you to back off. The man who yells at a woman about her boobs isn’t engaging with her; he’s talking at her. The religious zealot co-worker who lectures you about your evil ways every day at work isn’t engaging with you; she sees you only as a potential point on her score card of godliness. When someone’s engaging with you, they stop to listen. That’s how you know the difference.

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