A couple of weeks ago, a woman shared a rather awful story on self.Reddit, entitled “How easy it is to make a woman feel like sh*t.” In it, she describes being in line at a coffee shop when a conventionally cute young woman asks if she can cut in front of her because her boyfriend is waiting. The author kindly declines on the basis that her boss is waiting for the coffee and she’s already pressed to get to work on time.
Meanwhile the man in front of me is listening in and he took his arm and pushed me back while using his other to es-court the other girl to in front of me. He actually said to me ” a woman like this should never have to stand behind a woman like you”. Ya, that how to make a human being feel like shit. What made it worst is that that girl laughed and flirted with him as I stood there dumb struck and started crying. Then she got her coffee (which he bought) and went to her boyfriend outside. Seriously.
The author’s later edit indicates she was stunned at the level of attention her post got. In particular, I know I was stunned by the level of thoughtful attention it received. This is Reddit, land of the trolls. There’s a lot of “sorry that happened to you” and “fuck that guy.” There’s one remark advising her not to make it about women, since nasty things happen to the menz too, but honestly, that’s some low-level concern trolling for the Reddit norm.
People even get into what I call Violent Fantasy Venting, suggesting she should’ve hit the guy, kicked him, even stabbed him (they write a little story). No one’s serious – after all, the author would have been arrested had she done so – but there’s a lot of frustration. Everyone hates men like the one in the story. There’s just not much they can do, but fantasize on Reddit and enjoy the community spirit that evolves from those fantasies.
It’s important to note that what this man did was entirely about punishing the un-gorgeous woman for existing. It wasn’t about appealing to the gorgeous woman – she has a boyfriend, and is probably ninety yards out of this guy’s league. This isn’t a case of a man being led around by his dick: this is simply a case of abusing a woman for not looking how you think she should, and it rather proves that the gamer culture we were so recently advised not to take so seriously does permeate beyond gaming. It goes everywhere woman-hating knuckle-dragging men and boys go. And that, incidentally, is why we talk about it.
Can anybody think of something this woman could have done to teach this guy a lesson? As much as I like the idea of violence, I’ve not found it really helps anything long-term – some assholes seem to find it encouraging. I can’t think of anything she could’ve said, because while perhaps pointing out what they’d done would’ve resulted in people shunning them and, at best, the barista sticking them on the back of the line, the odds are good everyone would’ve just ignored it rather than get involved, and it would’ve reaffirmed the idea that what the man did was okay.
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And then progressively becomes that guy who shot 12 women in a health club (worst case scenario).
Casey(Quote) (Reply)
Sadly true.
I used to be friends with someone who seems headed on this trajectory right now…the bullshit eventually got to be too much, and now at the back of my mind I’m dreading that a similar thing will happen in Cleveland that did in Pittsburgh.
Genevieve(Quote) (Reply)
I know this is slightly off-topic (yes, the guy was an asshole) but… I’m curious about the employee who allowed it and about his/her manager. Because I work customer service.
If that incident had happened in my shop when I worked for the boss who treated her employees like reasoning beings, I would have told the first woman she needed to step to the back of the line, please, and if Chauvinist had gotten bellicose, asked him to leave knowing full well that my manager would back me up.
Now that I work for the boss I do now, who thinks her employees are idiots out to destroy her business due to their lack of concern, I would allow the cut, give Chauvinist bad service, and then apologize to the second woman and issue “an unauthorized discount” on her product. Assuming my boss is working that day. If the boss isn’t working, I would go back to plan A knowing my Assistant Manager is going to back me up.
Either way, I’m wondering about that shop. Because either the baristra agreed with the Chauvnist or the management isn’t fostering a healthy workplace. Social ills are inter-related, one bolstering the other. /disgust
DragonLady(Quote) (Reply)
I think you’re assuming too much about the barista(s?). If the coffee shop was so busy that there was a line long enough that the butting-girl was so worried about her boyfriend waiting, they very well may not have even seen that it happened, and if no one made a fuss and LET them know there may not be anything they can do about it–since they wouldn’t have known that it even happened.
My sister’s a barista at a little coffee shop in Colorado Springs. (the one time I went there while she worked around closing at 11PM, four guys invaded the shop and began proselytizing…it was soooo weird, I just stood there smiling incredulously.) Depending on the coffee shop, baristas may have to be running the register and making drinks. I.E., it may not have been just one person at the register taking orders and sending them to others working–they may have each been grabbing an order, getting it paid for, and then going to make the drinks themselves while another of their coworkers took the next in line.
If they saw this happen and didn’t do anything, yes, that’s bad. (I can’t get to Reddit right now, the page wont load and it’s telling me the traffic is too heavy, so if the woman telling the tale did say that the baristas saw this go down and did nothing, then I agree with much of what you’ve said.) But, at least when I was working as a box office employee at a theater, if things were busy and even though I stay at my own register and don’t have to make drinks, and this happened, I might not have seen it. I may have seen two women and a man talking, then the man pulling he woman into line and paying for whatever she’s getting, and assumed that they were together–especially if they are friendly with each other.
The Other Anne(Quote) (Reply)
“Rage Venting” certainly comes to mind. Kick to back of left knee to make him kneel (assuming he is taller if not then he is off-balance). Hook own left arm around his own (thereby controlling direction of fall) then plant an elbow with the right arm on the back of the head. At this point one could preform a very simple elbow lock that would break the prone or collapsing man’s arm if one were so severely inclined.
I certainly would have enjoyed doing so had I been witness to the encounter. Then tell the other woman to get the hell back in line. Not that there would be a line anymore what with all the screaming. Although since we are fantasizing, why not just say that the storyteller herself had the aptitude and will and a get-away-car to just do it hereself thereby graciously avoiding the knight in shining armor cliche.
Non-violently? I suppose she could have rushed in front of the line and started a tirade publicly calling attention to the man’s actions (perhaps extravigating them slightly) in order to either draw popular support, embarrass the guilty parties as a form of punishment or just having the manager give her some fucking coffee to get her out of the store. In order for that to work she would have to have had very few scruples indeed, especially in such a public environment. Although the asshole had no trouble embarrassing her in public so it seems a perfectly feasible form of proportional response. At that point it wouldn’t be about the coffee, naturally but about throwing all your dice on the table in order to get an edge up and feel at least slightly vindicated. Hell, even if the authorities valiantly arrived on the scene to escort you away and then fine you, you would have at least made a stand, which is a hell of a lot more commendable then silently justifying the fuckers actions.
~From Russia with Love
Nereverine(Quote) (Reply)
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