Happy Valentine’s Day!

I used to really enjoy giving and receiving Valentine’s Day cards, when I was in elementary school – mostly, I think, because they usually came with candy. In more recent years, I’ve not really bothered much with them. Not because I don’t know anyone I’d want to give a Valentine to, but because, well, they’re all awfully generic, aren’t they? Surely, there’s more to the world of romance than “roses are red / violets are blue,” right?

If you’re nodding thoughtfully as you read this, and then panicking a little bit as you realize that the chances of your finding a truly unique, special card for your potential Valentine this late in the game are pretty slim, you’re in luck! Because I’ve decided to turn my considerable compositional talents towards making a few Valentine’s verses, which you can simply copy into an existing card to give to your sweetie(s).

And I’m sure there’ll be one in this collection that’s just perfect for your own individual situation – because I’ve drawn my inspiration from the wealth of totally realistic portrayals of romance that exists in romantic movies and television subplots!

Without further ado, here are the verses:

You are a nerd, and I am a jock.

We have nothing in common, aside from some classes.

But deep inside, I just know that you’re really hot.

You just need a professional makeover – and to lose those glasses.

Will you be my valentine?

Some girls would be a little put off

By a man who shows up wherever they go,

Who doesn’t seem to know when enough is enough,

And who hears a “yes” when the answer is “no.”

Other girls might be disturbed

By fifteen phone calls a day -

Twenty four emails would seem absurd!

“My God, you’re a stalker,” they’d say.

But not me! I know true love when I see it!

And also when it calls me at midnight to be sure I’m alone.

So if I tell you “no” today, don’t believe it!

What I mean is, “take me, Valentine, as your own!”

Dearest One (of two) -

I know that both of you

Are getting tired of my irresolution.

So let me assure you, I’ve got a solution!

I just can’t bring myself to make a simple choice,

So I’ve left it to fate. If you’re reading this, rejoice!

It means that you have been randomly selected

(and that my other suitor has been gently rejected)

To be my The One!

P.S. Please don’t forget to tell me which one you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day, To My Best Friend!

I know that you had today carefully planned -

You were finally going to tell your big crush how you feel.

You must be really disappointed, and I understand

That you might think your heart will never heal.

But think about it – is it possible that it didn’t work out

Because your story is destined for another end?

From my perspective, there’s just no doubt -

The one you really wanted all along was your faithful best friend.

This may be hard to believe, but I swear that it’s true.

When I say horrible things to you, and make you cry?

It’s because I love you.

And don’t try to deny that you love me too -

Why else would you have punched me in the eye?

All of our fighting obviously conceals great passion!

So let’s drop the pretence, and get some action!

Be mine, Valentine.

I’m just positive that one (or more) of those Valentine’s Day verses will be perfect for your own totally realistic romance. If none of them quite fit, and you end up writing your own after taking inspiration from the tales of romance we see over and over again in film and television, feel free to share your own verses in the comments to this post!

Comments

  1. S. A. Bonasi says

    Brilliant! I’ve been extremely pleased with how the relationships (romantic and otherwise) have been handled on Day Break because, dammit, there’s a male character and a female character who are work partners and care the world about each other, but there’s absolutely nothing romantic between them. But beyond that? I got nothin’.

    So here’s mine:

    I know you love me
    and should be my wife
    because I love you,
    and I saved your life.

    (Brought to you by the excersize in male entitlement that is known as Smallville.)

  2. scarlett says

    Ugh,

    Hate Valentines Day. It’s so commercial. Plus I hate the idea that flowers, chocolates and diamonds are proof of love (not fussed on any of those). And it can be so exclusive. I vote we have a Celebrate Platonic Love Day!

  3. SunlessNick says

    Magnificient!

    Hm…

    I can’t think of a verse of the top of my head, but there should be one about colleagues.

    [Not very related , but I have to vent. A radio in the background was playing valentines songs, and one (male sung) lyric really grated on me: “Could it be you’re joking with me, or do you not understand you’re with me?” … Am I imagining it, or does that sound like a line from the rapists’ anthem? Seriously, I felt sick just hearing it]

  4. says

    @ S.A. Bonasi – That one’s great! I think it could be used for quite a few “romances” beyond Smallville.

    @ scarlett – Celebrate Platonic Love Day sounds good to me, but I shudder to think of the merchandising that’d go along with it. Ew.

    @ SunlessNick – Love songs are often a source of some disturbance from me. They’re so rarely healthy.

  5. sbg says

    I wish I were a poet. ;)

    I think that I shall never see
    A thing so lovely as me.

    Me, with my fake nails freshly done
    by several beauticians in a nail salon.

    Me, with collagen inserted into my lips;
    bigger is better except when it comes to hips.

    Me, with breast implants three times the size
    I’d naturally possess – why compromise?

    Me, liposuctioned and surgically altered
    so I can fit into this lovely halter.

    I’m built of plastic now, you see,
    and I did it all for you, not me.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, babycakes!

    *all apologies to Joyce Kilmer

  6. says

    These are making me laugh my ass off, but it’s a guilty laugh because they’re funny because of how horrifyingly true they are (in terms of the stories we’re treated to). Particularly the stalker one, where in story-world the guy’s persistence is always rewarded…

    As a girl-math-nerd-in-glasses, I particularly despise the cliché of “she took off her glasses and discovered that deep down she looks like a supermodel!!!” Personally, I think of myself as fairly healthy and attractive, and I recognize that on those (unfortunately rare) occasions when I take the time to dress up, do my hair and make-up, take off my glasses, etc. I end up more attractive. That’s why this cliché is so incredibly stupid. An intelligent adult woman just doesn’t one day miraculously discover that she’s pretty (particularly just because the handsome protagonist noticed her and otherwise she would have no idea what she looks like…).

    The only other hated cliché I can think of off the top of my head is the comic relief / running gag of having an unattractive female side character who harbors a doomed unrealistic love for the male protagonist. I’m not gifted at poetry though, so unfortunately I can’t offer you a valentine verse for that one…

  7. says

    Thanks for these, my whole office (er…that’s actually only two other people) got a good chuckle from them. ;)

    As a girl-math-nerd-in-glasses, I particularly despise the cliché of “she took off her glasses and discovered that deep down she looks like a supermodel!!!” Personally, I think of myself as fairly healthy and attractive, and I recognize that on those (unfortunately rare) occasions when I take the time to dress up, do my hair and make-up, take off my glasses, etc. I end up more attractive. That’s why this cliché is so incredibly stupid.

    Yah, for real. I actually happen to think I look pretty rockin’ with my glasses on, but even so, when I (gasp!) wore a dress and whatnot, I did indeed look better than I do on an average day. On the other hand, I wasn’t especially comfortable and I didn’t feel like I looked like myself–I’m used to my face and my hair as-is, frankly, and I’d much rather someone was attracted to me (including the skin blemishes and the frizzy hair, but also my, you know, personality…) than attracted to what I can look like.

  8. Jennifer Kesler says

    I’ve got another one:

    They say I can’t have you
    Because you’re my boss
    But you know what I say?
    I don’t give a toss!

    They say I can’t have you
    Because of your wife
    But I don’t let things stop me
    Not on your life!

    Even though we can’t discuss it
    We have an understanding
    You date other women
    But I’m not demanding

    Someday we’ll be lovers
    Unless I get lucky
    And die in your arms
    Wouldn’t that be just ducky?

    Wow. Worst Poem Ever. Yep. *shudders*

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