How eHarmony Appeals to the Male Gaze
by Jennifer Kesler
December 18, 2006
Online dating service eHarmony is not exactly known for pushing the envelope in its ad campaigns. The testimonial style commercials – featuring happy couples who met through the service – carefully avoid showing interracial couples or any individual with any accent Americans would regard as “foreign”. One happy male member of a couple tells the story of how his beloved planted a big, sloppy kiss on him immediately upon meeting him – she acts horrifically embarrassed, like a nice girl would, and he corrects himself and calls the kiss a peck on the cheek.
Okay, so no question they’re going for a heartland, middle American, “nice girls don’t” sort of vibe. It’s exclusionary toward those who don’t fit that mold, or don’t care to, but on the other hand it doesn’t directly make fun of them. And at least they do feature some couples who aren’t white.
The new campaign comes a little closer to crossing that line, though. It shows discouraged men out on dates with women we’re supposed to interpret as crazy or obnoxious, because the text following our introduction to them asks if you’re “tired of bad dates”? Sure, who isn’t? Unfortunately, there is no commercial that shows a weary woman out on a date with Mr. “But Enough About Me, Let’s Talk About Me”, Mr. “Insurance Sales Is An Exciting Field”, Mr. “Have You Found the Love of Jesus Yet?”, or Mr. “I Hated Mama Because After Working 60 Hours a Week to Supplement Daddy’s Gambling Losses She Didn’t Always Have My Dinner On Time”. Either they don’t want my money, or they assume I’ll just set myself aside and relate to the man. After all, as a woman I’ve been conditioned to set myself aside for hundreds of years.
And what about these obnoxious crazy women? Unfortunately, I can’t find these ads online and I can’t recall every second by heart. I do remember that one of the women wanted to discuss a fun topic: magic! I guess being a Wiccan or pagan would be enough to qualify you as a “bad date” on such a red state kind of service. I can’t help but think it could just as easily have been, “But let’s talk about a fun topic: Jesus!” Except Wiccans are a safer group to make fun of: they don’t have armies of lawyers and press agents ready to fight their every perceived oppression at every turn.
Another ad features a chatterbox woman who farts at the dinner table, only to be ordered by her date to “get out of my house!”. Nice girls don’t fart: their inner purity somehow enables them to control that involuntary bodily function for your convenience. Naughty girls who do fart may be considered hostile invaders and ejected from your home. (To be clear, the woman is obnoxious – but somehow I think the Nice Girl rules eHarmony subscribes to would prevent them from showing a commercial in which a woman threw a man out of her house for farting. Nice girls don’t throw people out on the street.)
It’s far from the most unfair portrayal of women I’ve ever seen, but I find these commercials a good example of the male gaze. Of how marketing often relies on a woman’s willingness to see the world through male eyes and translate it to the female, rather than expecting the ad to speak directly to her needs. Of how “girls don’t”, or when they do we’re all supposed to lie about it (kissing a man on the first date) or feel entitled to get enraged (throwing out a woman who dares pass gas).
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Posted in Advertisements on December 18, 2006
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I do remember that one of the women wanted to discuss a fun topic: magic! I guess being a Wiccan or pagan would be enough to qualify you as a “bad date†on such a red state kind of service.
Actually, I assumed she meant the “pull quarters out of his ears” kind of magic, which in stereotypes is often linked to nerdiness/geekiness.
She was wearing black and had fairly funky hair a la Stevie Nicks. Looked like the Wiccan stereotype to me.
[...] same-race chaste marital love, and everyone else can go jump off a bridge. And about how it appealed to the male gaze with commercials featuring men suffering through bad dates until they throw those damn women out of [...]
I’ve been reading your articles for the past three hours, and it’s as addicting as Wikipedia. It’s getting close to 11PM, so I’ll make this short.
I always hated those damn eHarmony commercials. They’re boring, I can count about one couple among my friends who have that sort of relationship, and even THEY (both being actors and possessed of immense knowledge and humor) are far less cheesy and trite.
Except Wiccans are a safer group to make fun of: they don’t have armies of lawyers and press agents ready to fight their every perceived oppression at every turn.
But they can’t spring lawsuits on Wiccans for saying that stupidity transcends religious barriers, because it’s just our opinion and we never actually said THEY were stupid. Most of us are as law-abiding and opposed to human sacrifice as another sane person would be. We certainly wouldn’t be stupid enough to ask about that in the open on a first date. Also, not every Wiccan is a witch–in fact, I’m Wiccan and I openly detest the thought of using magic, because it’s like you’re cheating your way through life.
Stage magic, on the other hand, is AWESOME. I’d love it if someone like Neil Patrick Harris used magic tricks to get my attention.
But my biggest question by far: Why the hell would you want to go on an online dating service when you can meet someone in real life? It saves time and there’s much less room for error–oh wait, I forgot that women need to make sure he’s interested in their personality first, otherwise they’ll NEVER EVER EVER get a date! And men are so desperate to keep their egos intact that they need to start a relationship online first, for fear of getting rejected IN PERSON.
I like the Internet, don’t get me wrong, but there’s a time and place for it–and finding romance through online dating sights seems plain unnecessary. The entire fad smacks of how far our society’s drifting from real, face-to-face contact. It grates on my nerves that we’re becoming so cowardly in romance that we even need dating sites in the first place–if we never take chances, especially in love, we’ll never learn anything.
As Dr. Kelso from Scrubs said: Nothing worth having in this life is easy.
I agree with all you said, Jamie, except I don’t think cowardice is the only reason people look online for dates. It’s really not that easy for all of us to meet people! If you work long hours, for example, or live in a place where there aren’t a lot of ways to meet people who share your interests. And then, some of us are just unusual personality types who have to meet a hundred or more people to find just one we have diddly in common with – in theory, at least, online dating could cut down on time wasted. (I actually think the entire “dating” system is broken beyond repair, offline and online, but that’s just my opinion.)
But I would definitely encourage people to try a more broadminded site if they’re going to try internet dating at all.
You do have a point, and I’m not condemning people who can’t spare time for face-to-face dating or have the ill fortune of not having common interests, but unfortunately the lazy/cowardly people tend to be more vocal than the people who’d genuinely need a dating site.