Disgruntled comment trolls frequently drop by here and leave complaints about how cruelly picky women are about the men they’re willing to date and, by contrast, how pathetically easy men are.
No! I am the most saddest!
Let’s just put this myth to bed without its supper, shall we?
Some people are very picky about who they will date, while some are not picky at all. By people, I mean “humans of all genders.” It is true that society counsels men to shoot at everything that moves and women to be choosy, but despite this conditioning, it doesn’t actually work out this way nearly as often as you might suppose. If you are a man who thinks women are picky and men are so easy, here is where you’re confused:
…men imagine themselves to be less picky about looks because they don’t even see the women they reject.
See, if you’re a guy who asks a woman out and she says no, you have been rejected. But if you’re a woman who is hoping a man will ask you out (sadly, most men can’t handle a woman doing the asking, even these days) and he doesn’t, she has been rejected. You go out to a bar and ask ten women for their numbers or some promise of future contact and they all turn you down. Ouch – you’ve been rejected by ten people! A woman goes out to a bar and ninety-three men walk past her, glance her over, don’t see what they’re looking for and move on. She’s just been rejected by ninety-three people.
If you’re one of the ninety-three who tripped over that woman and loads more like her in your stampede toward the supermodel lookalike in the corner, you don’t feel like you’ve rejected that other woman. In five seconds, you won’t even remember all the women you glanced over who didn’t meet your criteria. But they exist. And in not hitting on them, you have demonstrated that you have – gasp – standards for choosing who you will and won’t date!
If you have ever passed over a woman who was available at a time when you wanted to be with someone, you have standards for who you will date. Don’t feel bad – it means your brain is functioning, which is important for your overall health and well-being. You may need some time to adjust to not feeling sorry for yourself, but this too should help your dating life. Self-pity is not a turn-on.
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sannanina,
Your comments are violating some pretty big aspects of our discussion guidelines, handily linked above the comment box where you write your text. Here are the specific guidelines:
Do not make “But what about the menz?” arguments. Yes, bad things happen to men, too. We know this, we often acknowledge this, and we care. It just isn’t relevant to a site about bad things that happen to women.
There are more than two sides to an issue, so don’t assume binaries. For example, arguing a defendant didn’t get a fair trial does not equal arguing the defendant is innocent of all charges.
Don’t attempt to dominate a conversation or demand replies from certain individuals because you think they owe you the discussion of your choice. They don’t.
Don’t question the entire purpose of the site, or someone’s motive for writing an article or comment.
If your comment demonstrates you haven’t read the article and/or you’re creating straw arguments rather than addressing the points actually being made, your comment will not be posted (or will be deleted if you’re on auto-approve).
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I let this comment go through because I feel like we’re having an interesting discussion. However, you’re still not engaging with the arguments Jen and Sylvia are making AND you’re refusing to acknowledge that those “dynamics” for the men you keep referring to are also deeply influenced by sexism and privilege.
Maria(Quote) (Reply)
sannanina,
I’m sorry, but…I really don’t get your point.
You’re basically saying that you, as a conventionally unattractive and lonely person, have trouble getting dates. And this spirals into a self-fulfilling prophecy where the longer you are without dates, the harder it is to get one. Correct me if I’m wrong?
So…what does this have to do with men feeling entitled to a girlfriend?
Sylvia Sybil(Quote) (Reply)
Sylvia Sybil,
Precisely. I’m also having trouble with the Suffering Olympics in her comment – that HER ongoing loneliness is worse than the ongoing loneliness of a woman trapped in a miserable relationship because her parents would never forgive her if she didn’t whip ‘em up some grandkids. That being 32 and a virgin is clearly a world record, when I’m pretty sure we’ve got some regulars around here who are very close to that age, if not past it, and have the same lack of sexual experience. (We also have several asexuals, who may or may not feel her frustration with a lack of relationships, but probably relate to her problems with friends who are in relationships.)
None of which has anything to do with the original article. But even getting back to that quote of yours that she objected to, you were never saying “Be less desperate, and then loads of people will fall in love with you”, unless I really missed something. I thought you were saying that coming at the opposite sex like you’ve got to get laid in two hours or else you’ll turn into a pumpkin is not really a turn-on.
I mean, we DO have several involuntary celibates here, and none of them seemed to take what you said that way.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Sylvia Sybil,
Sylvia, I want to give you hug for this comment:
Nobody is obligated to put up with antisocial and creepy behavior from other people. Not even if you have a really good reason for your behavior. If you come on to people really strong, they’re absolutely entitled to get the hell away from you. Even if your intentions are pure, even if you’re just socially awkward, no one is obligated to be your friend or your lover.
THANK-YOU.
And especially about this line: People like this act like they’re entitled to other people’s time and attention, rather than a give and take system from which all parties are free to walk away.
Thank you for adding that part about being free to walk away. I get an iffy feeling when people act like someone is a such a abandoning two-faced passive aggressive jerk for either deciding not to continue in a relationship, whether that person decides not to either after a first date or 30 years later.
Lika(Quote) (Reply)
UGh, CosmosStars.
Adults come to realize that sometimes the world is not fair. Sometimes, ugly and obnoxious people (to us) seem to get what we want. Having the mindset that “if I do good, good things will happen and if bad things happen, I must be bad!” well…it’s childish. Teenage crap. Sometimes, things just HAPPEN. It’s tied in with the “vending machine” mentality some men pick up in romantic situations: if I simply input the correct code, I get sex dispensed! No sex means I got the code wrong!”
There’s plenty of single gals who cannot take their “pick of the litter” so to speak. Where men and women seem to differ, generally speaking, is that men feel ENTITLED and BLAME WOMEN for their lack of Good Things/Secret Code for the Vending Machine of Sex. Women tend not to blame men as a whole (actually they tend to hate themselves ever more), and when they do, this attitude is rarely encouraged en masse. Just look online! Are there female equivalents of PUAs whining about how men are all lying teases and here’s all the Secret Codes to Unlocking ALL men, ladies! And if they don’t work it’s not YOU, it’s MEN, they’re all WHORES! Whores who are all laughing at you while denying you the thing you are OWED.
No. No there aren’t.
JT(Quote) (Reply)
Exactly. And you’re right that “desperation” doesn’t carry all the connotations I want, but I still can’t think of a word or short phrase that does, without spelling it all out.
What I mean to say is, when you’re coming at someone and you’re putting the burden of your years of loneliness or your need to prove your manhood or whatever else you have invested into this sudden and shallow relationship…what are they supposed to get out of it? What are you offering in exchange for the relief they will bring you from your pain? Because yeah, pain sucks, but you can’t demand other people fix it for you for free. Nobody owes you anything just because you want it.
Lika,
I totally agree. I think if someone doesn’t feel free to walk away, they’re probably feeling coerced and that’s not healthy to say the least.
Which isn’t to say it’s cool to walk away with debts still owed or abandon a mutual commitment like childcare – that’s using, and taking, and not balanced. But in that case the problem isn’t the leaving, it’s the deception/stealing. So…yeah.
Sylvia Sybil(Quote) (Reply)
Sylvia Sybil,
Basically, yes, that was my point. And I made it in reaction to one little word in the comment I orignially reacted to – I just have been told too many times that either things will turn out just fine if I am patient or that it is basically my fault that I do not have a partner by people in other places. The word “desperate” pushed my buttons – however, I can see that this somewhat derailed the conversation.
sannanina(Quote) (Reply)
sannanina,
Somewhat? Let me direct you to an article that shows you just how much a problem this is on this site, because people cannot be bothered to read, but feel entitled to mouth off. Honestly, all your comments should not have been approved.
http://thehathorlegacy.com/if-your-comment-is-not-approved/
From now on, people, seriously. If another mod approves a comment like that, then even if someone has left a reasonable comment in response to it, BOTH COMMENTS GO. This kind of derailment based on people assuming everything is directed at them personally is just not advancing the plot.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
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