Comments on: Open thread: chiding women for turning men down http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/ the search for great women characters Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:09:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: DragonLady http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-94133 DragonLady Mon, 26 Jul 2010 17:06:34 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-94133 And the part about this that is SO FRUSTRATING for me is that after however many repititions of "just give him a chaaaance"/"you're too picky" you get from almost every woman you know over and over again for year upon year upon year... when YOU pick a fellow that doesn't match some arbitrary social convention of theirs (he's short/bald/a sci-fi geek/older than you/younger than you/Canadian/take your pick), all you hear is "him? Seriously? What's wrong with you?" disapproval or the unsubtle "pretend it's not happening" ignore. And the part about this that is SO FRUSTRATING for me is that after however many repititions of “just give him a chaaaance”/”you’re too picky” you get from almost every woman you know over and over again for year upon year upon year… when YOU pick a fellow that doesn’t match some arbitrary social convention of theirs (he’s short/bald/a sci-fi geek/older than you/younger than you/Canadian/take your pick), all you hear is “him? Seriously? What’s wrong with you?” disapproval or the unsubtle “pretend it’s not happening” ignore.

]]> By: Mnemosyne http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-93143 Mnemosyne Sun, 30 May 2010 15:13:12 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-93143 Wow. I thought I had this problem because of the country I live (Italy, where there's so much crap about patriarchism because of Church), but I don't know how to feel reading it happens in America and places I considered more liberal. Probably frustrated. I got into my first serious relationship because of the childing: my friends and family believed that I was doomed to become a sociopath if I didn't accept to date a guy in my late teens. I started dating a man I wasn't really interested, and except for a few months, it was an experience pretty much horrible: for the same idiotic comments, however, I was committed for about 2 1/2 years, before I finally have the gut to say "No more". Best decision of my life, and still people look at me, happy and single, and said scorned that I am depressed and will regret my choices, and bitches because I turn down men who are jerks. I'm furios because a lot of women still thinks it's better have a man who treat you like shit instead of a meaninful life free of stereotypes. Wow. I thought I had this problem because of the country I live (Italy, where there’s so much crap about patriarchism because of Church), but I don’t know how to feel reading it happens in America and places I considered more liberal. Probably frustrated.
I got into my first serious relationship because of the childing: my friends and family believed that I was doomed to become a sociopath if I didn’t accept to date a guy in my late teens. I started dating a man I wasn’t really interested, and except for a few months, it was an experience pretty much horrible: for the same idiotic comments, however, I was committed for about 2 1/2 years, before I finally have the gut to say “No more”. Best decision of my life, and still people look at me, happy and single, and said scorned that I am depressed and will regret my choices, and bitches because I turn down men who are jerks.
I’m furios because a lot of women still thinks it’s better have a man who treat you like shit instead of a meaninful life free of stereotypes.

]]> By: Danica Bryant http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-92421 Danica Bryant Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:47:12 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-92421 Wow. College girl here, and this is just wow. I had never really thought of this issue until I stumbled across this lovely article. Well, lovely in the sense that I've been cringing since the first sentence because this happens way too much for comfort. For instance, I'm apparently supposed to know when a guy is hitting on me. I've read a couple of other comments that contain stories like this, and I'm relieved to find that I'm not the only one who doesn't notice when a waiter is flirting or when a classmate is (it actually took the guy asking me out for me to get the picture with this one--I said no). I'm also apparently supposed to be dating now, since I'm probably the only member of the female side of my generation to not only be a virgin but to never have been kissed or even been in a relationship. I have also heard the "chaaaance" whine. Hate that, and sadly I've been hearing it a lot right now. Friends back home are telling me to give a chaaaance to a guy we went to high school with. I'm still trying to figure out that I only said yes because he, in complete sincerity, explained why he was interested in me and my physical appearance didn't even register among traits such as intelligence and daring. Friends here at college are trying to convince me to give a male friend here a chaaance instead, despite the fact that he and I have both said there is no attraction. My own mother, who is the one who taught me feminism when I was still in the cradle and made sure I grew up knowing how to think, has been subtly trying to get me to date for the past couple of years. It wasn't until I read this that I realized it, but she has her own way of telling me to give a guy a chance. I know understand why I've always avoided saying anything about my male friends to her. Wow. College girl here, and this is just wow. I had never really thought of this issue until I stumbled across this lovely article. Well, lovely in the sense that I’ve been cringing since the first sentence because this happens way too much for comfort.

For instance, I’m apparently supposed to know when a guy is hitting on me. I’ve read a couple of other comments that contain stories like this, and I’m relieved to find that I’m not the only one who doesn’t notice when a waiter is flirting or when a classmate is (it actually took the guy asking me out for me to get the picture with this one–I said no). I’m also apparently supposed to be dating now, since I’m probably the only member of the female side of my generation to not only be a virgin but to never have been kissed or even been in a relationship.

I have also heard the “chaaaance” whine. Hate that, and sadly I’ve been hearing it a lot right now. Friends back home are telling me to give a chaaaance to a guy we went to high school with. I’m still trying to figure out that I only said yes because he, in complete sincerity, explained why he was interested in me and my physical appearance didn’t even register among traits such as intelligence and daring. Friends here at college are trying to convince me to give a male friend here a chaaance instead, despite the fact that he and I have both said there is no attraction.

My own mother, who is the one who taught me feminism when I was still in the cradle and made sure I grew up knowing how to think, has been subtly trying to get me to date for the past couple of years. It wasn’t until I read this that I realized it, but she has her own way of telling me to give a guy a chance. I know understand why I’ve always avoided saying anything about my male friends to her.

]]> By: Jennifer Kesler http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91818 Jennifer Kesler Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:08:06 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91818 Gnatalby, that's true, but in my experience, a majority of men and women adhere as hard as they can to their gender stereotyping, so it does happen. I've seen it happen. But it also happens with men - just in a slightly different way. Instead of chiding another guy for not wanting a particular woman, men usually just accuse that guy of being gay and belittle him. Gnatalby, that’s true, but in my experience, a majority of men and women adhere as hard as they can to their gender stereotyping, so it does happen. I’ve seen it happen.

But it also happens with men – just in a slightly different way. Instead of chiding another guy for not wanting a particular woman, men usually just accuse that guy of being gay and belittle him.

]]> By: Gnatalby http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91816 Gnatalby Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:28:08 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91816 <i>I think it’s very clear. The chiding girl has or has previously had feelings for the guy and is jealous and feels somehow less because she thinks that you have no interest in the one that she couldn’t get.</i> I don't think that's a good theory at all, it's basic <a href="http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/01/feminism-101-girl-math.html" rel="nofollow">Girl Math:</a> 1 Girl + 1 Girl= CATFIGHT. Sometimes women have friendships that aren't based on competition for men. It's alarming, but true, our lives aren't focused on you at all times. I think it’s very clear. The chiding girl has or has previously had feelings for the guy and is jealous and feels somehow less because she thinks that you have no interest in the one that she couldn’t get.

I don’t think that’s a good theory at all, it’s basic Girl Math: 1 Girl + 1 Girl= CATFIGHT.

Sometimes women have friendships that aren’t based on competition for men. It’s alarming, but true, our lives aren’t focused on you at all times.

]]> By: Jennifer Kesler http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91814 Jennifer Kesler Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:17:40 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91814 Jay, that's a good theory and could account for some instances of this phenomenon, but in several of my own cases, the chiding friend had never met the guy. Jay, that’s a good theory and could account for some instances of this phenomenon, but in several of my own cases, the chiding friend had never met the guy.

]]> By: Jay http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91811 Jay Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:51:10 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91811 I think it's very clear. The chiding girl has or has previously had feelings for the guy and is jealous and feels somehow less because she thinks that you have no interest in the one that she couldn't get. I think it’s very clear. The chiding girl has or has previously had feelings for the guy and is jealous and feels somehow less because she thinks that you have no interest in the one that she couldn’t get.

]]> By: Jennifer Kesler http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91354 Jennifer Kesler Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:42:56 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91354 You know, I have never understood why it's not considered abuse for parents to harass kids about having "grandchildren" for them, which sounds like what's ultimately going on there, Elee. You are not entitled to grandkids. You are not even entitled to kids. You are not entitled to any life but your own. As Kathmandu said, that's disallowing another person's boundaries, and that's what abusers do. But because we worship the idea of blood relations without paying enough attention to whether the families being created are really healthy or even worthwhile, we overlook many instances of abuse when the "logic" of the abuser sounds saccharine enough. After all, they just want you to be happy, right? And they know what would make you happy better than you do because they're experienced and they're just trying to help, right? Yeah, it can sound great on a Hallmark card, but it's still bullshit and it's still not right. They may have good intentions - the way our society is skewed, decent people can find themselves engaging in abusive behaviors out of simple ignorance - but you're right to react as you have. You know, I have never understood why it’s not considered abuse for parents to harass kids about having “grandchildren” for them, which sounds like what’s ultimately going on there, Elee. You are not entitled to grandkids. You are not even entitled to kids. You are not entitled to any life but your own. As Kathmandu said, that’s disallowing another person’s boundaries, and that’s what abusers do. But because we worship the idea of blood relations without paying enough attention to whether the families being created are really healthy or even worthwhile, we overlook many instances of abuse when the “logic” of the abuser sounds saccharine enough. After all, they just want you to be happy, right? And they know what would make you happy better than you do because they’re experienced and they’re just trying to help, right?

Yeah, it can sound great on a Hallmark card, but it’s still bullshit and it’s still not right. They may have good intentions – the way our society is skewed, decent people can find themselves engaging in abusive behaviors out of simple ignorance – but you’re right to react as you have.

]]> By: Kathmandu http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91350 Kathmandu Mon, 15 Feb 2010 20:12:36 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91350 Elee, you are so not overreacting. Decreeing that the child has to do whatever the grownup wants, and isn't allowed to draw their own boundaries, is exactly the behavior pattern of abuse. Elee, you are so not overreacting. Decreeing that the child has to do whatever the grownup wants, and isn’t allowed to draw their own boundaries, is exactly the behavior pattern of abuse.

]]> By: Elee http://thehathorlegacy.com/open-thread-chiding-women-for-turning-men-down/#comment-91321 Elee Sat, 13 Feb 2010 05:01:41 +0000 http://thehathorlegacy.com/?p=4567#comment-91321 OMG, it's rather a large chunk of text. Sorry, didn't realise it would be this much. OMG, it’s rather a large chunk of text. Sorry, didn’t realise it would be this much.

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