That’s the question that anti-abortion folk think will trump all possible argument from a pro-choice person and leave them sputtering vainly. And given the onslaught against Planned Parenthood and any other access to abortion that American women are facing now, I thought I’d have a go at answering it.
Of course, one perk of being clinically depressed is that I can honestly answer that sometimes I do wish she had aborted me, which tends to leave the questioner the sputtering one (you can ignore that, it’s a bit morbid). But the thing is, even without the morbid part, the foetus me would never have known the difference, so the perspectives aren’t equal. Being aborted wouldn’t have taken anything away from me, because at that time, I didn’t have anything – at the time, there wasn’t really a “me” to have anything in the first place.
But if I’m glad I wasn’t aborted, that means NOTHING. Here’s why. The question is also phrased, “Aren’t you glad your mother was pro-life,” in the erroneous assumption that a pro-choice woman would always choose abortion. Truthfully, I don’t know where my mother stood on abortion when she was pregnant with me – it’s never seemed like quite the right time to ask. But she – yes – gave me life. And that doesn’t just refer to pregnancy and birth, but to the immunerable other things since then. For all of which I love her. And because of that love, the idea that she might not have had, or thought she had, the right to choose otherwise – that those nine months and all the years since are something she should have been forced into because of an accident (I do know I was an accident) – makes my heart ache. And the idea of forcing other women into the same makes my skin crawl.
Am I glad my mother didn’t abort me? Today, I am. Am I glad she was “pro-life?” I don’t know if she was. But if she was, and thought she had no choice – or was surrounded by enough people who were, to take her choice away from her – then no, that would not make me glad. I love her, and would rather have been aborted than have been the cause of either of those things.
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Thanks for this comment, Attackfish. I used to be all “as long as it’s the mother’s choice, abortion is ethical”, but then I’d read about places where fetuses were being aborted for being female. It made me pause because I’m a huge believer in giving women a choice to terminate a pregnancy if she want to, but at the same time aborting fetuses for being female is misogynistic.
I’m glad you brought up this intersection of reproductive rights and ableism, as there are other places where reproductive rights also intersect.
Lika(Quote) (Reply)
Well, at least he wasn’t saying born kids are parasites. I’ve known of parents who did! OTOH, you’re affected by that statement as a former fetus, but you’ll spend a lot more years being affected on the other side of it as a woman.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Also, (and this is directed at everyone in this conversation thread, not any one person) I was reading some time ago that a fair amount of doctors recommend aborting fetuses with Down Syndrome, and how unfortunate this is because that disorder does NOT mean a life of suffering. We’re getting better at understanding how to raise these kids so both their physical and mental development can lead to a far more comfortable and worthwhile adulthood. It would be a pity for them to miss out on life for no reason other than someone’s fear of that disorder.
The one caveat: it costs money. I am sympathetic to people who don’t see how they can afford to raise a child with an expensive disability – especially single mothers. However, the solution there is something like better public funding to help them out, not a law that will put them and their child in a perilous situation.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
And amazingly, the same people who are against a woman’s right to choose are typically also against better social services for people with disabilities. Hmmm. And yes, disabilities are extremely expensive, oh God are they ever, and they just get more so every year.
Attackfish(Quote) (Reply)
However, the solution there is something like better public funding to help them out, not a law that will put them and their child in a perilous situation.
That’s a good point. I actually rather a fetus be aborted than be born into a child that gets abused and resented for being a girl. On the other hand, I wouldn’t call sex-based abortions pro-choice, as the societies where they tend to happen in put a lot of pressure on families to have boys instead of girls and the mother may feel like she has no choice but to abort. That’s not pro-choice to me.
Pro-choice to me isn’t just pro-abortion, it’s also pro- providing support, relevant information, and removing stigma so the woman can truly make her own decision. It’s giving a woman an environment free off coercion, agendas, and the societal bias that one set of life is better than the other, where she has full access and support to all her choices, and that include abortion as well the means to raise her child.
Lika(Quote) (Reply)
Exactly! And in some cases, it means not having doctors pressure women to abort or get their tubes tied just because the doctor considers the woman an “undesirable” based on her race, class, mental health status, etc. It’s not just about giving people permission to get abortions. True reproductive freedom has a lot of issues to address beyond just that one.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
I’m actually furious my mother didn’t get an abortion. Not because I wish I’d never been born – but because when I asked her why she – an unmarried student lacking family support and suffering life threatening pregnancy complications – didn’t just freaking abort me, she said she was not informed that it was an option. In fact, she was blatantly lied too and told that she could not get an abortion at 5 months in 1985 (see above re: life threatening complications).
So when I get asked that question (and I have been), I tell them the truth. That I’d be thrilled if my mother had aborted me. Why? Because then my mother would have lived in a society that valued her personhood enough to provide her with a choice. Instead my mother lived in a world where medical professionals didn’t mind risking a young woman’s life by lying to her. That reality enrages me far more than the potential of not existing.
draconismoi(Quote) (Reply)
I get the impression from many anti-choice people that they are aware banning abortion leads to dangerous illegal abortions that many women die from. I get the further impression that they do not regard this as a bug, but as a feature.
Patrick McGraw(Quote) (Reply)
Reminds me of a George Carlin quote: “They want every fetus to live, unless it grows up to be a doctor, in which case they just might have to kill it.”
Patrick McGraw(Quote) (Reply)
I’m glad my mother terminated the pregnancy she was carrying before me, because the fetus was compromised and carrying to term might have kept her from conceiving or giving birth again, so my brother and I would not exist. Thanks, medical exceptions for abortion in the 1960s!
JMS(Quote) (Reply)
exactly. Their just punishment.
Attackfish(Quote) (Reply)
If it is morbid to say that I wish my mom would have aborted me instead of staying married to an alcoholic just because it was something she was expected to do and well on her way to become a blue stocking, then lets be morbid together. I love her dearly, and we’ve developed a deep friedship and respect for each other since my puberty, but I sometimes wish she would have had me when she married her second husband, because I wouldn’t have grown up feeling so much like no one wanted us or like we didn’t belong anywhere, moreso as I barely saw her (she worked full-time and odd hours). It wasn’t a bad childhood, but it is part of a reason why shouldn’t have children and probably never will.
Elee(Quote) (Reply)
Ugh. I hate this question. Much like Pegs, my parents were married for several years before I was born (I was the first kid). I know they used birth control before they were ready to have kids, my mom told me that herself. Now, had my mom gotten pregnant before they were quite ready, they likely would have had a kid anyway, but there’s no way I can know for sure, I wasn’t there. I work in a clinic now, and see plenty of patients who already have kids and say that the reason they’re choosing abortion now is so they can take care of the ones they already have. I also see those who say that this is not a good time in their lives to be raising children and they want to finish school/find a good job/find a good partner first.
An even worse sentiment from anti-choicers, though, is “think of how many more friends you would have if abortion were illegal.” It’s stupid and juvenile, and I understand why it might influence someone who was pre-puberty, but for someone my age, all I can think is that if abortion were not legal, a few of my friends (the ones who have had safe, legal abortions…I have at least six friends who have done so) might actually have died before I ever met them.
Genevieve(Quote) (Reply)
Every version of that second sentiment can be turned round anyway. How many more friends might I have? I might also have more enemies. I might be alive because my murderer was aborted.
What if the person destined to cure cancer was aborted? What if the person destined to release a super-plague was aborted instead?
SunlessNick(Quote) (Reply)
I want a bumper sticker that says “choose abortion your mom wishes she had.” hehe ok so i know it so wrong but seriously WTF do these people think they are getting at with the above question. And I bet there are some mothers out there who have a kid that turned out horrible (seriel killers, rapists, etc…) who sit and thing “Damn I never should have had him/her.”
Lori(Quote) (Reply)
I remember belonging to a church and family that was the picketing type of anti-abortion, and this is what was missing most. I also remember people applauding doctors who wouldn’t prescribe birth control for unmarried women (seriously) or pharmacists who wouldn’t fill those prescriptions. And as the child of an unwed Christian mother in the conservative religious right version of the church, I experienced the very little that anyone was willing to help after the baby was born.
firebird(Quote) (Reply)
That is a good one.
firebird(Quote) (Reply)
When I was a teenager I dealt with a bad childhood and depression and fear of rejection by choosing to believe I was a survivor of abortion – even though my mother never wanted one and never considered having one. She was an unwed mother in 1981, a drug addict pregnant by a guy she barely remembers and can’t tell me any details about, and she complains to this day that her doctor advised her to abort or give me up for adoption, she says, because he would “make more money” off of one of those procedures. I wasn’t there, and I’m sure she wasn’t treated all that well considering she was on Medicare and/or self-pay (she was paying on that hospital bill till after my sister was born 7 years later).
But looking back at it, I find it hard to believe that the doctor would “make more money” on an abortion than on 9 months of prenatal care and a delivery. Maybe it’s true. Considering my mother likely has a serious mental disorder (undiagnosed, but I’m fairly certain; it’s been suggested to me by a couple of professionals it is likely borderline personality disorder), was a drug addict at the time and transferred her addictive fixation to religion when she had me, had no job and no family support and no friends – I think his medical advice was probably wise.
Considering she married an ex-alcoholic bipolar and their mental illnesses sparked constant chaos and bewildering cycles of emotional abuse and both of them were religiously obsessed with rules and shame – I think I might have been happier if I was adopted and while I am finally in a good place, I spent nearly two decades in physical and emotional misery caused and exacerbated by decisions she made.
I love her, but to this day I have to keep her at arm’s length, because I don’t know when she will lash out or shut me out, and I can’t let that bring me down. She still makes decisions that hurt me, like her current husband she encouraged me to spend time with – who then proceeded to hit on me sitting in her living room with her asleep in the bedroom.
Like everyone else said, my mother wanted me, that’s why I’m here. And if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have known.
And the thing that always makes me shake my head in wonder: don’t the anti-abortion fanatics know the world is overpopulated? They seem to be afraid we are running out of people.
firebird(Quote) (Reply)
From what I’ve seen, they mainly seem to be afraid that we’re running out of white people. This subtext is especially rampant in the “Quiverfull” movement.
Patrick McGraw(Quote) (Reply)
This. Quiverfullers also are often openly militant about raising Christian culture warriors.
Attackfish(Quote) (Reply)
That makes a lot of sense. I suppose I should have realized that. Perhaps I’m losing touch with how they think…probably good for my sanity, but less so for my understanding.
firebird(Quote) (Reply)
A week or two after I found out about my second child, my husband left me. I gave consideration to terminating the pregnancy, as it was an available option, rather than carry and give birth in the midst of a divorce.
In the end, I Chose not to terminate, knowing full well that I could Choose not to. Because I had that choice, I know I will ALWAYS be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her that she is here because she is LOVED and WANTED, and NOT because I was forced into having her. And if I had chosen otherwise, she would never know the difference.
Excellent post.
Andie(Quote) (Reply)
Honestly, no, I’m not glad. My mother should not have had kids. I should not have been born. I was so destroyed by an abusive home that I cannot function in society. I can’t work, and I can’t get along with other human beings. I tried for 3 decades, and now, I have given up. The way I was raised – fundamentally unwanted – has made me forever a target of bullying, abuse, and violence. I can’t get help because the psychiatric community wants me to live in a haze of drug cocktails that makes me feel worse. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to feel better, and concluded it won’t happen for me. I’m tired. I’ve given all I have to give, and I’m done.
My goal this year is to make peace with this fact and either find an alternative way of living or a way off this mortal coil. While figuring it out, I spend my time isolated and away from the public, because when I leave the house, I’m filled with a choking rage for all of humanity. I really hate children, not for a special reason, but because they will grow up to be adults, and I find all human reproductive functions grotesque. The fact that I live in a society that increasingly tries to FORCE me to perform them is a fine illustration to me of why humanity is garbage, and why I wish to have nothing to do with it. Who cares? Certainly not me. Would the GOP care? Only if I were incubating a precious, precious fetus. Once it was born, it, and I can both go to hell.
I make an excellent case for why abortion should not only be legal up until birth, but also, done more often than it is. And for myself, I am not pro-choice, but unflinchingly, no-holds-barred, no-apologies PRO-ABORTION. I’ve even learned how to induce miscarriage by bingeing on whiskey and drugs and bouncing around until I terminate. And of course, the shitheels in the GOP are always one step ahead of me, trying to throw me in jail for having a say over my own body. So I’ve stopped having sex. And I don’t go outside in case someone wants to have sex with me without my consent. I came into this world unwanted, and the world has only wanted me less and less since. And you know what? I don’t want it. I don’t want any fucking part of it.
IShouldHaveBeenAborted(Quote) (Reply)
I know the last thing you want is a suggestion of something else perhaps you haven’t tried, but I identify strongly with your emotional position in this post, and was at a similar place a couple of years ago (even though our life experiences are different, and I’m sure we’re quite different people in many ways). But have you ever tried a cognitive behavioral therapist who does NOT have a medical degree and therefore CANNOT prescribe meds? Some of them work with psychiatrists who will prescribe the drugs for them, but I found one who strongly preferred to avoid medication unless it was truly necessary, and working with her changed my life. I am now actually happy – not without baggage and stuff I still need to work on, but basically happy. And I can honestly confirm that this feeling was something I never experienced before a couple of years ago.
I hope I don’t sound like Polyanna – I just felt compelled to share this with you because I could relate so much to the feelings you’re talking about.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
No, I wish she would have done it.
Tiera(Quote) (Reply)
Sometimes i wish i were aborted or flushed down a toilet.
Serj(Quote) (Reply)
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