That Question: “Aren’t you glad your mother didn’t abort you?”

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That’s the question that anti-abortion folk think will trump all possible argument from a pro-choice person and leave them sputtering vainly. And given the onslaught against Planned Parenthood and any other access to abortion that American women are facing now, I thought I’d have a go at answering it.

Of course, one perk of being clinically depressed is that I can honestly answer that sometimes I do wish she had aborted me, which tends to leave the questioner the sputtering one (you can ignore that, it’s a bit morbid). But the thing is, even without the morbid part, the foetus me would never have known the difference, so the perspectives aren’t equal. Being aborted wouldn’t have taken anything away from me, because at that time, I didn’t have anything – at the time, there wasn’t really a “me” to have anything in the first place.

But if I’m glad I wasn’t aborted, that means NOTHING. Here’s why. The question is also phrased, “Aren’t you glad your mother was pro-life,” in the erroneous assumption that a pro-choice woman would always choose abortion. Truthfully, I don’t know where my mother stood on abortion when she was pregnant with me – it’s never seemed like quite the right time to ask. But she – yes – gave me life. And that doesn’t just refer to pregnancy and birth, but to the immunerable other things since then. For all of which I love her. And because of that love, the idea that she might not have had, or thought she had, the right to choose otherwise – that those nine months and all the years since are something she should have been forced into because of an accident (I do know I was an accident) – makes my heart ache. And the idea of forcing other women into the same makes my skin crawl.

Am I glad my mother didn’t abort me? Today, I am. Am I glad she was “pro-life?” I don’t know if she was. But if she was, and thought she had no choice – or was surrounded by enough people who were, to take her choice away from her – then no, that would not make me glad. I love her, and would rather have been aborted than have been the cause of either of those things.

Comments

  1. says

    What a great post! As the Republican assault on our reproductive rights intensifies, we will be faced with the need to deflect many of such ridiculous arguments coming from anti-abortionists. It’s especially appalling that they have the gall to call themselves pro-life in view of their recent attempts to legalize the murder of doctors in South Dakota, Nebraska and Iowa.

  2. says

    When I was a kid, I found a button of my mom’s that said, “Pro-Child, Pro-Choice.” I didn’t understand it for the longest time, in the simplistic way of the very young I thought it was a contradiction.

    Which is all to say I wish I could find a bumper sticker that says, Aren’t You Glad Your Mother Was Pro-Choice? :)

  3. says

    I was born in the 1950’s, less than 7 months after my parents’ wedding.

    My mother loved me and my (unplanned) brother, but she didn’t love *having* us. Sometimes, she felt that having me had almost ruined her life, and it certainly ruined the life she *wanted* to have. I know this because, as a child, I heard her say it.

    Because she and my father are extremely intelligent and more-than-normally self-aware, they were dogmatic in their insistence on birth control for the younger generation, and on how, of all the reasons for getting married, “being able to have sex” may be the worst. They strongly disapproved of early marriage, as well.

    My children can (and have) said, “I’m glad that my mother had me on purpose, because she *wanted* to and had planned on it.” They never, ever have to think of themselves as mistakes.

  4. DSimon says

    I tend to ask back: “How many siblings do you have? X? Well, do you mourn for the X+1th sibling that you didn’t end up having because your parents didn’t conceive one more time?”

    • Attackfish says

      I usually answer back when they ask me about the possibility of having been aborted, “Wow, aren’t you glad your parents had sex that night? What if one of your parents had to be out of town that week? phew, lucky break.”

    • cycles says

      And then there are the people who are alive today because their mothers DID have a previous abortion. Avoiding unwanted parenthood at a bad time in their lives allowed them to go on to have wanted children later.

  5. Attackfish says

    This question always makes me feel horribly uncomfortable, because my mom flat out told me a few years back that she would have aborted me had she known I had my illness. Mom and I both belong to the “safe, legal, and rare” camp, and it was a little hard to hear that. At the time, I was coming to terms with the unexpected sense of loss I felt over getting my tubes tied (I can conceive, but I can’t carry. My body reacts very violently to progesterone, which along with making any pregnancy deadly also means I can’t be on hormonal birth control. I’m also allergic to latex and petroleum, and chemical spermicide, which takes out barrier methods). I had known for years that I couldn’t have children, but planning the operation felt like giving up. And as liberal and steeped in queer and disability theory as I am, I still felt as if my femininity were somehow defective, because I would never give birth to my own children. I’d already known I was a surprise, and that my father had gone out and had a vasectomy as soon as my parents found out, but I’d also known how happy they were and how much they love me. It feels strange to know my mother would have aborted me not because she couldn’t take care of me, or because she didn’t want another child, but because she didn’t want to raise a child with disabilities. This is where my respect of the sovereignty of women over their own bodies and advocacy of women’s reproductive freedom meets my deep anger at the way our society treats people with disabilities as a little less human, and a little less worth life, tangles and falls down. I don’t want to see anyone forced to a fetus to term, but I hate knowing some of them are aborted because they would have grown into people with disabilities and for no other reason.

    • says

      I always feel a little weird leaving comments like this, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your perspective. When reproductive rights intersect with disability and ablism, stuff gets confusing and upsetting fast, and it’s good to keep that in mind, too.

      • says

        I too wanted to respond to you, Attackfish, but can’t come up with anything better than: yeah, some of the REASONS why people might choose to abort really need to be examined. It almost has to be a whole other conversation (to provide the abilities issue the full focus is needs), and yet it can’t possibly be, because “every child should be a wanted child” is such an important and misunderstood reason for keeping abortion legal, but there’s a big difference between not wanting a child because YOU are not in the right place for it and not wanting it because you’re rejecting something about the fetus.

        • Attackfish says

          I don’t even have any idea about how I feel about this, or any solutions. But we have all kinds of rights that are exercised for the wrong reasons, and I’d hate to see those rights stripped. I just wish there were a serious conversation about why we see some human lives as inherently worth more than others. *shakes head* yeah, yeah.

    • Raeka says

      I, too, was glad to see this comment here. I haven’t figured out exactly how I feel about it, either, and it definitely makes me uncomfortable, but I do think it’s something people should keep in mind when discussing reproductive rights.

    • Lika says

      Thanks for this comment, Attackfish. I used to be all “as long as it’s the mother’s choice, abortion is ethical”, but then I’d read about places where fetuses were being aborted for being female. It made me pause because I’m a huge believer in giving women a choice to terminate a pregnancy if she want to, but at the same time aborting fetuses for being female is misogynistic.

      I’m glad you brought up this intersection of reproductive rights and ableism, as there are other places where reproductive rights also intersect.

      • says

        Also, (and this is directed at everyone in this conversation thread, not any one person) I was reading some time ago that a fair amount of doctors recommend aborting fetuses with Down Syndrome, and how unfortunate this is because that disorder does NOT mean a life of suffering. We’re getting better at understanding how to raise these kids so both their physical and mental development can lead to a far more comfortable and worthwhile adulthood. It would be a pity for them to miss out on life for no reason other than someone’s fear of that disorder.

        The one caveat: it costs money. I am sympathetic to people who don’t see how they can afford to raise a child with an expensive disability – especially single mothers. However, the solution there is something like better public funding to help them out, not a law that will put them and their child in a perilous situation.

        • Attackfish says

          And amazingly, the same people who are against a woman’s right to choose are typically also against better social services for people with disabilities. Hmmm. And yes, disabilities are extremely expensive, oh God are they ever, and they just get more so every year.

        • Lika says

          However, the solution there is something like better public funding to help them out, not a law that will put them and their child in a perilous situation.

          That’s a good point. I actually rather a fetus be aborted than be born into a child that gets abused and resented for being a girl. On the other hand, I wouldn’t call sex-based abortions pro-choice, as the societies where they tend to happen in put a lot of pressure on families to have boys instead of girls and the mother may feel like she has no choice but to abort. That’s not pro-choice to me.

          Pro-choice to me isn’t just pro-abortion, it’s also pro- providing support, relevant information, and removing stigma so the woman can truly make her own decision. It’s giving a woman an environment free off coercion, agendas, and the societal bias that one set of life is better than the other, where she has full access and support to all her choices, and that include abortion as well the means to raise her child.

          • says

            Exactly! And in some cases, it means not having doctors pressure women to abort or get their tubes tied just because the doctor considers the woman an “undesirable” based on her race, class, mental health status, etc. It’s not just about giving people permission to get abortions. True reproductive freedom has a lot of issues to address beyond just that one.

  6. Pegs says

    I’m not bothered by my hypothetical non-existence.

    I exist right now because of pro-choice policies. My parents were married for some nine, 10 years before they CHOSE to have both my brother and me (And just us two.) Knowing how ridiculously fertile the females are in my family, I can assume either two things: 1) My parents only had sex nine years into their marriage and stopped once they got their two kids, or 2) They utilized family planning—including birth control and perhaps even abortion—until they knew they were ready to have children.

    Yeah, we know which one is more likely.

    If pro-choice options hadn’t been available, my mom would have been pregnant from the get go … oh, and that means no me.

    Alternatively, my mom’s reproductive choices come after my grandma had 15 kids (With my mom & her twin sister being the youngest.) My grandma was an amazing, strong and brilliant woman. I love her a ridiculous amount, even though she’s been gone for many years.

    And the funny thing about truly loving someone is that you trust, respect and want the best for them, in a completely unselfish manner. Which means I’m a-okay with whatever decision my Grandma would have made if birth control/abortion/etc. had been more readily available to a rural housewife during the early 1900s.

  7. sbg says

    I find the question ridiculous. Then again, I find it ridiculous there are people who profess to be pro-life when it comes to fetuses but clearly have zero regard to the living, breathing women bearing said fetuses, or do not take into consideration what circumstances these all important fetuses will be born into.

    I mean, if a child is born into a situation in which the family cannot make ends meet, etc, etc., you can bet your sweet bippy some of those who would fight for the child’s right to exist would fight against paying for any type of government assistance once the baby’s out into the world. Then it’s all up to the poor folks who knew going in they couldn’t handle it, but had no choice in the matter, to stop being so lazy and live the American dream already.

    Whoops, got a bit sidetracked there.

    • firebird says

      I find the question ridiculous. Then again, I find it ridiculous there are people who profess to be pro-life when it comes to fetuses but clearly have zero regard to the living, breathing women bearing said fetuses, or do not take into consideration what circumstances these all important fetuses will be born into.

      I remember belonging to a church and family that was the picketing type of anti-abortion, and this is what was missing most. I also remember people applauding doctors who wouldn’t prescribe birth control for unmarried women (seriously) or pharmacists who wouldn’t fill those prescriptions. And as the child of an unwed Christian mother in the conservative religious right version of the church, I experienced the very little that anyone was willing to help after the baby was born.

  8. Nuri says

    the erroneous assumption that a pro-choice woman would always choose abortion.

    That is what irks me most about the anti-abortists. What part of “choice” is so hard to understand? They shouldn’t be called pro-life, they should be called anti-choice, because that’s what they actually are.

  9. M.C. says

    I think that question is as disgusting as asking a child of rape: “Do you wish your mother had aborted you, because your father is a rapist, who’s DNA shouldn’t continue existing in this world?”

    Or how about this: a few weeks ago there was a news story about a woman who had died in a local hospital while giving birth (yeah, stuff like that still happens). Maybe we should ask the baby girl in a few years time “Do you wish your mother had aborted you, because then she would still be alive?”
    btw: I’m not seriously suggesting this. Of course it’s not the girl’s fault that her mother died, but the thought will probably cross her mind once she grows up. And at least such a child should know that her mother had a choice, that she knew the risks but wanted the baby so much anyway, that she wasn’t forced into this.

  10. Tristan J says

    This was always the question that bothered me, despite my pro-choice stance. I was concieved on a one night stand, and my mum chose to have me. Though I guess that choice of words right there defeats the whole thing. Plus the fact that Mum had the support of my grandparents. And her five older brothers and sisters, all of whom I’m pretty sure had already had kids. And the government. And, after I was born, my dad (not my biological father).

    Okay, it doesn’t bother me anymore.

    Actually, on the government supporting my mum and me, that’s a good response for that question: Aren’t you glad you’ve been helping me financially for all my life? Thanks for that!

  11. says

    My mother loves children in general. She has three of her own and three grandchildren, but she continues to go gaga over *any* child. She has never been enthusiastic about abortion, and she would much prefer that no one ever had to make that kind of decision. In fact she really hates the idea of abortion. And yet she has always told us: “Better ten less children than one too many.” Coming from her it’s really striking to hear, because she is so very, well, pro-child.

  12. Kathmandu says

    No one has yet pulled that on me in person, but my model response is always “My mommy is pro-choice. She had me on purpose.”

  13. says

    I have always hated that question, because not only is it a strawperson and a huge derailing, it doesn’t even make any sense. If my mother had aborted me, I wouldn’t have existed, I wouldn’t be talking to you, and there wouldn’t have been any “me” to be glad or non-glad about. It’s completely irrelevant.

    So I suppose it’s logical that “pro-lifers” constantly ask it.

  14. Azzy says

    My mother would have gotten an abortion, had they been legal in our country at the time. I was conceived out of wedlock and my mother had bigger plans than being married to my father. She was always very distant throughout my childhood, leaving me (and later my brother) to be raised by our abusive paternal grandparents (though, granted, recent conversations seem to indicate she had no idea that there was abuse, or how deeply we were affected by it). So no, I’m not glad my mother didn’t abort me. She didn’t have a choice and, as a result, both our lives were made miserable. It’s not that I want to be dead, or anything, but if I hadn’t been born, I wouldn’t have known the difference, and my mother’s life might have been happier. Maybe that’s a strange way to look at it, but there you go.

    • M.C. says

      I know a woman who had an abortion when it was still illegal in our country and today she’s glad she didn’t die during the procedure. I think many anti-choice people don’t understand that there will always be abortions, but having them be legal gives the women a chance to have it done by a proper doctor. This not only saves their lifes but also preserves their health so that they can later choose to have children.

      Or maybe I’m being naive and anti-choice people just want women to die…

      • Patrick McGraw says

        I get the impression from many anti-choice people that they are aware banning abortion leads to dangerous illegal abortions that many women die from. I get the further impression that they do not regard this as a bug, but as a feature.

    • says

      Nothing strange about it. I have watched firsthand the damage done by women who felt pressured to give up ambitions, get married and start making babies. While these particular women most likely would never have considered abortion, and the blame for how they took out their bitterness on their kids (emotional abuse) lies solely on them, the object lesson still stands: every child should be a wanted child. A lot of abusive personalities at least have the decency to try to avoid having unwanted kids – for the sake of all potential humans, don’t force these people into parenting! It’s not just that this makes for unhappy children: it makes for adults with a LOT of extra emotional difficulty to deal with.

      It also breeds a minority of criminal and abusive personalities. The irony with most anti-choicers is that they are in favor of state executions. So in some cases, they’re almost surely cheering to give that lethal injection to some adult they didn’t want to see aborted as a fetus. Yet, they don’t get the inconsistency.

      • Patrick McGraw says

        Reminds me of a George Carlin quote: “They want every fetus to live, unless it grows up to be a doctor, in which case they just might have to kill it.”

  15. Raeka says

    I’m a triplet –if some people think ONE baby is hard, imagine being sprung with three. One option the doctor floated was selective abortion. My mom, who had wanted us kids very much, couldn’t stomach the idea, but… I would support her if she had chosen to just have one child.

    As most people have said, I wouldn’t have known the difference, and having grown up with an awesomely loving, HAPPY mother, I really would not trade that for anything. More than that, though…. I dunno if I believe in a God or not, but if I did, I don’t think that would have been it, poof, no chance at life for me (and even if it was, I believe an innocent baby would go straight to Heaven, so wouldn’t the mother really be sparing the child the pain and suffering that comes with life?) —I think God would have just shrugged His shoulders or perhaps nodded wisely and found another mother to carry my soul. People talk about children as God’s gifts –but what they seem to forget is that you don’t HAVE to always accept a gift. Particularly one that comes with such responsibility.

  16. Maartje says

    I’m the third of four, after three children my father had a vasectomy, it didn’t take. Only six months after I was born my mother was pregnant again. Both my parents are pro-choice and they chose to have this baby as well, even though their family was complete. Having four kids under six years old is more than a full-time job, and it’s what they chose.
    But can you imagine what my little brother would feel like if they hadn’t had that choice?
    What I would answer someone who asked me if I was glad my mother didn’t abort me? I guess I would answer that they know nothing about my or my parents situation at the time of my conception. Every situation is different and they don’t get to judge something they know nothing about.

  17. Casey says

    Hmm…this reminds me of a conversation my dad had with a family friend maybe a year or so ago as they were watching some NatGeo documentary about pregnancy/gestation, I think.
    The friend was hemming and hawing trying to convince my dad of the “life begins at conception” stance with, “WELL LIKE, Y’KNOW MAAAAAN LIKE, FETUSES HAVE LIKE, SOULS N’ STUFF, Y’KNOW SO LIKE, ABORTION IS TOTES BAD, AMIRITE??”[/derpy surfer dude accent]
    My parents are pro-choice, and my dad went on to explain that the fetus/embryo is, essentially, a parasite and if you don’t want it, get rid of it.
    And me, the “Makes-Everything-About-Her” douche that I am, couldn’t help but feel offended/insulted! PERSONALLY! I thought “well gee, does that mean you think/thought I’M a parasite?” (this, compounded with the fact that I’ve been unemployed/unable to find work for two years and live with my parents so I really DO feel like a leech/parasite just made things worse)
    Then again, both my sister and I were planned, so I guess my problems should be disregarded.

    • says

      Well, at least he wasn’t saying born kids are parasites. I’ve known of parents who did! OTOH, you’re affected by that statement as a former fetus, but you’ll spend a lot more years being affected on the other side of it as a woman.

  18. says

    I’m actually furious my mother didn’t get an abortion. Not because I wish I’d never been born – but because when I asked her why she – an unmarried student lacking family support and suffering life threatening pregnancy complications – didn’t just freaking abort me, she said she was not informed that it was an option. In fact, she was blatantly lied too and told that she could not get an abortion at 5 months in 1985 (see above re: life threatening complications).

    So when I get asked that question (and I have been), I tell them the truth. That I’d be thrilled if my mother had aborted me. Why? Because then my mother would have lived in a society that valued her personhood enough to provide her with a choice. Instead my mother lived in a world where medical professionals didn’t mind risking a young woman’s life by lying to her. That reality enrages me far more than the potential of not existing.

  19. JMS says

    I’m glad my mother terminated the pregnancy she was carrying before me, because the fetus was compromised and carrying to term might have kept her from conceiving or giving birth again, so my brother and I would not exist. Thanks, medical exceptions for abortion in the 1960s!

  20. Elee says

    If it is morbid to say that I wish my mom would have aborted me instead of staying married to an alcoholic just because it was something she was expected to do and well on her way to become a blue stocking, then lets be morbid together. I love her dearly, and we’ve developed a deep friedship and respect for each other since my puberty, but I sometimes wish she would have had me when she married her second husband, because I wouldn’t have grown up feeling so much like no one wanted us or like we didn’t belong anywhere, moreso as I barely saw her (she worked full-time and odd hours). It wasn’t a bad childhood, but it is part of a reason why shouldn’t have children and probably never will.

  21. Genevieve says

    Ugh. I hate this question. Much like Pegs, my parents were married for several years before I was born (I was the first kid). I know they used birth control before they were ready to have kids, my mom told me that herself. Now, had my mom gotten pregnant before they were quite ready, they likely would have had a kid anyway, but there’s no way I can know for sure, I wasn’t there. I work in a clinic now, and see plenty of patients who already have kids and say that the reason they’re choosing abortion now is so they can take care of the ones they already have. I also see those who say that this is not a good time in their lives to be raising children and they want to finish school/find a good job/find a good partner first.

    An even worse sentiment from anti-choicers, though, is “think of how many more friends you would have if abortion were illegal.” It’s stupid and juvenile, and I understand why it might influence someone who was pre-puberty, but for someone my age, all I can think is that if abortion were not legal, a few of my friends (the ones who have had safe, legal abortions…I have at least six friends who have done so) might actually have died before I ever met them.

    • SunlessNick says

      Every version of that second sentiment can be turned round anyway. How many more friends might I have? I might also have more enemies. I might be alive because my murderer was aborted.

      What if the person destined to cure cancer was aborted? What if the person destined to release a super-plague was aborted instead?

  22. Lori says

    I want a bumper sticker that says “choose abortion your mom wishes she had.” hehe ok so i know it so wrong but seriously WTF do these people think they are getting at with the above question. And I bet there are some mothers out there who have a kid that turned out horrible (seriel killers, rapists, etc…) who sit and thing “Damn I never should have had him/her.”

  23. firebird says

    When I was a teenager I dealt with a bad childhood and depression and fear of rejection by choosing to believe I was a survivor of abortion – even though my mother never wanted one and never considered having one. She was an unwed mother in 1981, a drug addict pregnant by a guy she barely remembers and can’t tell me any details about, and she complains to this day that her doctor advised her to abort or give me up for adoption, she says, because he would “make more money” off of one of those procedures. I wasn’t there, and I’m sure she wasn’t treated all that well considering she was on Medicare and/or self-pay (she was paying on that hospital bill till after my sister was born 7 years later).

    But looking back at it, I find it hard to believe that the doctor would “make more money” on an abortion than on 9 months of prenatal care and a delivery. Maybe it’s true. Considering my mother likely has a serious mental disorder (undiagnosed, but I’m fairly certain; it’s been suggested to me by a couple of professionals it is likely borderline personality disorder), was a drug addict at the time and transferred her addictive fixation to religion when she had me, had no job and no family support and no friends – I think his medical advice was probably wise.

    Considering she married an ex-alcoholic bipolar and their mental illnesses sparked constant chaos and bewildering cycles of emotional abuse and both of them were religiously obsessed with rules and shame – I think I might have been happier if I was adopted and while I am finally in a good place, I spent nearly two decades in physical and emotional misery caused and exacerbated by decisions she made.

    I love her, but to this day I have to keep her at arm’s length, because I don’t know when she will lash out or shut me out, and I can’t let that bring me down. She still makes decisions that hurt me, like her current husband she encouraged me to spend time with – who then proceeded to hit on me sitting in her living room with her asleep in the bedroom.

    Like everyone else said, my mother wanted me, that’s why I’m here. And if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have known.

    And the thing that always makes me shake my head in wonder: don’t the anti-abortion fanatics know the world is overpopulated? They seem to be afraid we are running out of people.

    • Patrick McGraw says

      And the thing that always makes me shake my head in wonder: don’t the anti-abortion fanatics know the world is overpopulated? They seem to be afraid we are running out of people.

      From what I’ve seen, they mainly seem to be afraid that we’re running out of white people. This subtext is especially rampant in the “Quiverfull” movement.

      • firebird says

        That makes a lot of sense. I suppose I should have realized that. Perhaps I’m losing touch with how they think…probably good for my sanity, but less so for my understanding.

  24. says

    A week or two after I found out about my second child, my husband left me. I gave consideration to terminating the pregnancy, as it was an available option, rather than carry and give birth in the midst of a divorce.

    In the end, I Chose not to terminate, knowing full well that I could Choose not to. Because I had that choice, I know I will ALWAYS be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her that she is here because she is LOVED and WANTED, and NOT because I was forced into having her. And if I had chosen otherwise, she would never know the difference.

    Excellent post.

  25. IShouldHaveBeenAborted says

    Honestly, no, I’m not glad. My mother should not have had kids. I should not have been born. I was so destroyed by an abusive home that I cannot function in society. I can’t work, and I can’t get along with other human beings. I tried for 3 decades, and now, I have given up. The way I was raised – fundamentally unwanted – has made me forever a target of bullying, abuse, and violence. I can’t get help because the psychiatric community wants me to live in a haze of drug cocktails that makes me feel worse. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to feel better, and concluded it won’t happen for me. I’m tired. I’ve given all I have to give, and I’m done.

    My goal this year is to make peace with this fact and either find an alternative way of living or a way off this mortal coil. While figuring it out, I spend my time isolated and away from the public, because when I leave the house, I’m filled with a choking rage for all of humanity. I really hate children, not for a special reason, but because they will grow up to be adults, and I find all human reproductive functions grotesque. The fact that I live in a society that increasingly tries to FORCE me to perform them is a fine illustration to me of why humanity is garbage, and why I wish to have nothing to do with it. Who cares? Certainly not me. Would the GOP care? Only if I were incubating a precious, precious fetus. Once it was born, it, and I can both go to hell.

    I make an excellent case for why abortion should not only be legal up until birth, but also, done more often than it is. And for myself, I am not pro-choice, but unflinchingly, no-holds-barred, no-apologies PRO-ABORTION. I’ve even learned how to induce miscarriage by bingeing on whiskey and drugs and bouncing around until I terminate. And of course, the shitheels in the GOP are always one step ahead of me, trying to throw me in jail for having a say over my own body. So I’ve stopped having sex. And I don’t go outside in case someone wants to have sex with me without my consent. I came into this world unwanted, and the world has only wanted me less and less since. And you know what? I don’t want it. I don’t want any fucking part of it.

  26. says

    IShouldHaveBeenAborted: I’ve tried EVERYTHING to feel better, and concluded it won’t happen for me. I’m tired. I’ve given all I have to give, and I’m done.

    I know the last thing you want is a suggestion of something else perhaps you haven’t tried, but I identify strongly with your emotional position in this post, and was at a similar place a couple of years ago (even though our life experiences are different, and I’m sure we’re quite different people in many ways). But have you ever tried a cognitive behavioral therapist who does NOT have a medical degree and therefore CANNOT prescribe meds? Some of them work with psychiatrists who will prescribe the drugs for them, but I found one who strongly preferred to avoid medication unless it was truly necessary, and working with her changed my life. I am now actually happy – not without baggage and stuff I still need to work on, but basically happy. And I can honestly confirm that this feeling was something I never experienced before a couple of years ago.

    I hope I don’t sound like Polyanna – I just felt compelled to share this with you because I could relate so much to the feelings you’re talking about.

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