That Question: “Aren’t you glad your mother didn’t abort you?”

What a great post! As the Republican assault on our reproductive rights intensifies, we will be faced with the need to deflect many of such ridiculous arguments coming from anti-abortionists. It’s especially appalling that they have the gall to call themselves pro-life in view of their recent attempts to legalize the murder of doctors in South Dakota, Nebraska and Iowa.

I was born in the 1950′s, less than 7 months after my parents’ wedding.

My mother loved me and my (unplanned) brother, but she didn’t love *having* us. Sometimes, she felt that having me had almost ruined her life, and it certainly ruined the life she *wanted* to have. I know this because, as a child, I heard her say it.

Because she and my father are extremely intelligent and more-than-normally self-aware, they were dogmatic in their insistence on birth control for the younger generation, and on how, of all the reasons for getting married, “being able to have sex” may be the worst. They strongly disapproved of early marriage, as well.

My children can (and have) said, “I’m glad that my mother had me on purpose, because she *wanted* to and had planned on it.” They never, ever have to think of themselves as mistakes.

This question always makes me feel horribly uncomfortable, because my mom flat out told me a few years back that she would have aborted me had she known I had my illness. Mom and I both belong to the “safe, legal, and rare” camp, and it was a little hard to hear that. At the time, I was coming to terms with the unexpected sense of loss I felt over getting my tubes tied (I can conceive, but I can’t carry. My body reacts very violently to progesterone, which along with making any pregnancy deadly also means I can’t be on hormonal birth control. I’m also allergic to latex and petroleum, and chemical spermicide, which takes out barrier methods). I had known for years that I couldn’t have children, but planning the operation felt like giving up. And as liberal and steeped in queer and disability theory as I am, I still felt as if my femininity were somehow defective, because I would never give birth to my own children. I’d already known I was a surprise, and that my father had gone out and had a vasectomy as soon as my parents found out, but I’d also known how happy they were and how much they love me. It feels strange to know my mother would have aborted me not because she couldn’t take care of me, or because she didn’t want another child, but because she didn’t want to raise a child with disabilities. This is where my respect of the sovereignty of women over their own bodies and advocacy of women’s reproductive freedom meets my deep anger at the way our society treats people with disabilities as a little less human, and a little less worth life, tangles and falls down. I don’t want to see anyone forced to a fetus to term, but I hate knowing some of them are aborted because they would have grown into people with disabilities and for no other reason.

And then there are the people who are alive today because their mothers DID have a previous abortion. Avoiding unwanted parenthood at a bad time in their lives allowed them to go on to have wanted children later.

I think that question is as disgusting as asking a child of rape: “Do you wish your mother had aborted you, because your father is a rapist, who’s DNA shouldn’t continue existing in this world?”

Or how about this: a few weeks ago there was a news story about a woman who had died in a local hospital while giving birth (yeah, stuff like that still happens). Maybe we should ask the baby girl in a few years time “Do you wish your mother had aborted you, because then she would still be alive?”
btw: I’m not seriously suggesting this. Of course it’s not the girl’s fault that her mother died, but the thought will probably cross her mind once she grows up. And at least such a child should know that her mother had a choice, that she knew the risks but wanted the baby so much anyway, that she wasn’t forced into this.

My mother loves children in general. She has three of her own and three grandchildren, but she continues to go gaga over *any* child. She has never been enthusiastic about abortion, and she would much prefer that no one ever had to make that kind of decision. In fact she really hates the idea of abortion. And yet she has always told us: “Better ten less children than one too many.” Coming from her it’s really striking to hear, because she is so very, well, pro-child.

I don’t even have any idea about how I feel about this, or any solutions. But we have all kinds of rights that are exercised for the wrong reasons, and I’d hate to see those rights stripped. I just wish there were a serious conversation about why we see some human lives as inherently worth more than others. *shakes head* yeah, yeah.

The moment of dawning comprehension is a beautiful thing XD

My mother would have gotten an abortion, had they been legal in our country at the time. I was conceived out of wedlock and my mother had bigger plans than being married to my father. She was always very distant throughout my childhood, leaving me (and later my brother) to be raised by our abusive paternal grandparents (though, granted, recent conversations seem to indicate she had no idea that there was abuse, or how deeply we were affected by it). So no, I’m not glad my mother didn’t abort me. She didn’t have a choice and, as a result, both our lives were made miserable. It’s not that I want to be dead, or anything, but if I hadn’t been born, I wouldn’t have known the difference, and my mother’s life might have been happier. Maybe that’s a strange way to look at it, but there you go.

I’m a triplet –if some people think ONE baby is hard, imagine being sprung with three. One option the doctor floated was selective abortion. My mom, who had wanted us kids very much, couldn’t stomach the idea, but… I would support her if she had chosen to just have one child.

As most people have said, I wouldn’t have known the difference, and having grown up with an awesomely loving, HAPPY mother, I really would not trade that for anything. More than that, though…. I dunno if I believe in a God or not, but if I did, I don’t think that would have been it, poof, no chance at life for me (and even if it was, I believe an innocent baby would go straight to Heaven, so wouldn’t the mother really be sparing the child the pain and suffering that comes with life?) —I think God would have just shrugged His shoulders or perhaps nodded wisely and found another mother to carry my soul. People talk about children as God’s gifts –but what they seem to forget is that you don’t HAVE to always accept a gift. Particularly one that comes with such responsibility.

I sometimes think that question comes in part from envy at people who do know that their mother (or parents) wanted them.

I’m the third of four, after three children my father had a vasectomy, it didn’t take. Only six months after I was born my mother was pregnant again. Both my parents are pro-choice and they chose to have this baby as well, even though their family was complete. Having four kids under six years old is more than a full-time job, and it’s what they chose.
But can you imagine what my little brother would feel like if they hadn’t had that choice?
What I would answer someone who asked me if I was glad my mother didn’t abort me? I guess I would answer that they know nothing about my or my parents situation at the time of my conception. Every situation is different and they don’t get to judge something they know nothing about.

Yep.

I’m not above shooting back with “MY mother WANTED me.” Because, you know, if you go there, you kind of have it coming.