From CNN: Catcalling: creepy or a compliment?
Naturally, in the above linked article, the woman who argues it’s flattering to be catcalled and looked up and down when she walks on the street is from… wait for it… you can guess this… Los Angeles. (If I start a “help Jenn escape from Los Angeles” fund, would any of you make donations? I’m, like, totally serious.)
I just want to take a moment to expound on something that came up in the comments on this post.
Strange men do not hoot at, yell at, or leer at you because they think you’re hot. They do those things because they think you’re vulnerable and needy. If you think they want you sexually, you need some serious education on power psychology. They want to feel like they’re on top of you, but not in the way you imagine.
When you see someone attractive, it’s natural to look. But not to stare – there are rules against staring throughout the animal kingdom. And you don’t talk unless the person you’re looking at says something to you first, because when you get caught looking, it would be aggressive to follow that up with verbalization. This is something your cat understands, for pete’s sake. Stop reading Cosmopolitan and get in touch with your animal instincts. Discrete looks are flattering because they reflect only a natural aesthetic reaction. Leering – staring overtly at someone who’s watching you stare – signals aggression. Uninvited verbalizations are also aggressive – that’s why when the salesman at the kiosk leaps out to ask you if you ever get split ends, you feel pressured and cornered (until you realize you’re entitled to tell them to back off and leave you alone because they started the hostility and you’re only responding in kind).
If you don’t know the difference between aggression and honest appreciation, you’ve bought into civilization too much for your own good. Ask yourself: why do men typically leer and catcall in packs? Rarely will one man by himself with no buddies around look you over and say something about your appearance. Because they know deep down it’s aggressive, not merely appreciative. Ask yourself: why do they continue to yell daily at women who’ve told them clearly to back off? Because they’re so concerned she understand how sexy they find her? Or is it maybe a little more likely they like pissing her off because it’s a power struggle, not a sex game.
I’ll grant that there can be some disagreement over precisely where the line between appreciation and aggression gets drawn, but my point is: if you don’t draw one anywhere, you have been completely brainwashed by your culture into thinking your meaty deliciousness is something these men give a shit about. It’s not. Especially here in L.A., where beautiful women are in extreme surplus. Men who want to be with beautiful women devote their energy to winning dates with beautiful women. Men who devote their energy to aggression toward strange women enjoy winning fights with women. That’s why they’ve set up a context where she feels cornered and pressured and where their male buddies back them up.
And when you find that flattering, they think you’re pathetic. They think you like having a big strong man be forcible with you. They think you’re a vain, selfish ass who ought to be brought down a peg. They start talking behind your back about the things they’d like to do to you, and those things revolve around humiliation, not simple sexual enjoyment.
Edited to add: Please also see the follow-up post, Why, if you think women should be flattered by your harassment, you are stupid.
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Ugh, I hate that one. Since adopting dreads (which are occasionally also purple/blue/assorted colors) I can’t go a month without someone in a public place skipping the asking step and just touching my hair without warning. Store personnel have done this to me!
Clue time folks; this is not cute if you are over two years of age. My style choices do not give you the inherent right to lay hands on me because you ‘just had to know what those felt like!’
Moniquill(Quote) (Reply)
I just cannot believe people so commonly feel entitled to fondle the hair of complete strangers. WTF, people? I find it slightly odd when people I know want to feel my curly hair. But total strangers? Dude!
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Oh, I hate all the “I have never seen you before in my life, but I totally have the right to walk up and touch you” people*. I have this fabulous sweater smushy sweater that I love — just a little fluffy, the right drape, gorgeous colour — basically if you could make Cool Whip into a dark purple chenille sweater this is what you’d get, but I had to stop wearing it in public because complete strangers kept walking up and basically petting me. Who DOES that??
(*See also: people who go for the curly red hair. You wanna keep that hand attached to your arm? KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. This rule now also applies to my aunt, ever since her annoying habit of touching every piece of jewelry I was wearing on Thanksgiving a few years back led to me getting bronchitis that sent me to the ER and double ear infections from her for Christmas. I have no immune system, which is not new. *headdesk*)
MaggieCat(Quote) (Reply)
I’ve always heard it joked that strangers randomly coming up and touching your stomach is common in pregnancy, but I have recently experienced it for myself. I’m still at the point where most people find it difficult to distinguish my body from what can be perceived as “fat” or “pregnant”, but that did not stop this woman. I was at the pharmacy, picking up my pre-natal vitamin prescription, when the woman in line behind me proceeds to ask “Are you pregnant?” It seemed like such an awfully personal question, and I was so surprised, that I answered in the affirmative. She then proceeded to reach out and fondle my stomach. Now, I have gotten accustomed to family members and extremely close friends touching my stomach, “talking to the baby,” etc, and I find all that rather sweet, (if somewhat irritating at times), but I did not know this woman. Though I was rather taken aback by this stranger’s action, I did manage to spit out the comeback, “I was not aware that my pregnancy turned my body into public property. Please, don’t touch my stomach.”
mana g(Quote) (Reply)
Clearly you haven’t been listening to Republicans.
Patrick(Quote) (Reply)
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