This may be the most ironic comment I’ve read in years. It’s from a discussion about Rebecca Watson’s recent takedown of a man’s approach to her in a hotel elevator in the wee hours. This commenter is male, and wants to prove that the rejection men face in asking women out is ever so much worse than anything women deal with from men. The irony is, I was just skimming the comment thread at first, and read his facetious paragraph entirely at face value, nodding along in agreement with what I assumed was a woman trying to make the point I made in Men Are Also Picky About Dating, which is that when you have to wait around to be visually noticed and asked out, you can reasonably interpret every instance of men ignoring you – or stepping on you to get to the hottest hottie at the bar – as “rejection”, so boy-men really need to STFU and stop whining.
But they never do. Here we go:
Women.. imagine a world that you can’t even remember the last time that a guy even so much as smiled at you, for any reason.
I don’t have to. I know that feeling. Who else does? Even attractive women living in extremely isolating urban workaholic hellholes like L.A. often know this feeling.
Imagine that every time you walk into a room.. no one notices.
Yep, I would guess that every woman who’s significantly far from looking like Angelina Jolie et al knows this feeling. Am I right?
Imagine that no guy checks you out.. EVER.
Actually, it’s more that they check you out then register boredom on their faces and move on to check someone else out. Just going unnoticed would be relatively painless. Having someone check you out and obviously conclude they can do better is fucking hurtful. But it’s a part of life, so grow up.
Imagine if men don’t even know you exist (at least in any kind of sexual/romantic way). Imagine that if any guy ever actually approaches you it’s to ask something benign as “Do you happen to have the time?”, and truely that’s ALL they want from you, and once you tell them, then you go back to being invisible.
Okay, seriously, who at this point is not going, “Yep, I so know that feeling.” He honestly thinks this doesn’t happen to women. Unbelievable ignorance level, there. Unbelievable privilege.
Imagine you lived in a world where men rated 80% of women “below average” when it comes to their looks (like women do men: http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&safe=off&source=hp&q=eharmony+study+80+percent+of+men+below+average&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=bb9a4fba297be287&biw=1532&bih=658).
I don’t have to imagine. That’s my life experience. Men judge one another’s social status on how hot a chick they’re dating – like women sometimes judge each other on how expensive a handbag they carry (think of girlfriends and wives as fashion accessories for men, and the world begins to make so much more sense). So women who don’t meet a traditional beauty mold are second through 200th choice, and men who have to settle for 200th choice? Tend to be childishly resentful and hateful about it, and absolutely clueless and unconcerned that they were your 600th choice but you’re trying to be graceful about it.
Imagine a world where you can have a dry spell (forget about sex.. just going out on a date) that can last not just days, not just weeks, not just months, but YEARS.
Oh, my word. Women and girls going years without dates happens all the freakin’ time. They don’t advertise it or talk about it with douchebags like the commenter here (which, presumably, is why he assumes it never happens), but if you are non-judgmental and let people know you think sexuality is nothing anyone should ever feel ashamed about (for all the douchebags reading and thinking I just included rape among things no one should be ashamed of, sexuality and rape are as different to each other as taking a swim is to having someone cast concrete around your feet and throw you in a deep river to drown), they open up. I can’t count the number of women I know who haven’t had a date in years. Or never had a date until they were 30 or older. Or are very old and have never had a date, ever. Happens all the time, peeps, get over yourselves.
And when you think about it – think about the fact that men are allowed to charm women in various ways and get protected even when they stalk and pressure women in creepy ways, but women have to somehow get noticed (almost always visually) before they even have a chance with a particular guy – it’s kind of really obvious who’s got problems getting dates, right? I mean, sure, attractive women may have it easy (not in L.A. – more on this in my upcoming “Hot in Cleveland” review), but attractive men also have it easy. Leaving conventionally attractive people aside, women have it worse, and you don’t see us whining all over the internet like a babies denied lollipops.
Imagine a world where you see/meet a guy you are incredibly attracted to, so much so that your heart leaps to your throat.. and you can hardly speek and your only chance to try to get to know them better is to make an awkward, unfortunate pass at them and not only do you get rejected, but you find out that you made the guy incredibly uncomfortable and he saw you as a creep and then in later discussions people see your attempt as a potential sexual assult.
Okay, it’s my understanding that some women – mostly Gen Y – have had good success with asking men out. I so totally have not. Men I’ve asked out found it insulting: either they thought the gender role reversal meant I thought they were effeminate, or maybe they were insulted that someone at my attractiveness level asked someone as hot as themselves out. I don’t think I’ve ever creeped anyone out, but gee whiz, maybe that’s because I made the effort to develop a few fucking social skills. I assure you, they don’t come naturally. But having been raised as a GIRL with a naturally commanding personality, and therefore taught my every natural instinct on interacting with people was wrong and “too bossy” and “bitchy” and so on, I actually learned how to modify my behavior in ways that suit me and not the Gender Police. You boys don’t usually get that training, because every little thing you want to do is just fabulous and society should bend over backwards to accommodate your very important ass. You’ll want to take that up with society instead of whining like toddlers at women. Unless of course you’re just too cowardly to take it to the source, and that’s why you’re really whining at women for all your widdle pwobwems.
Imagine a world where the only way to catch a man’s eye is to win the genetic lottery and be in the top .1 percent of incredibly good looking women, and if you’re not.. your only second chance you have to catch a man’s eye is to be unbelievably confident. And you have to develop this confidence.. considering the world that you live in as described above (not remembering the last time a man ever smiled at you.. and so on).
Yes, he appears to be serious, and I’m not sure where to start on this one. First of all, women do have to be really good looking to get asked out by a nice array of men. Women who could never be mistaken for starlets really have their work cut out for them, because they are perfectly invisible to men and they’re not handed a nice menu of un-creepy ways to convince men to date them. The best option for women who don’t look like starlets is to be uber-confident – sometimes this bluffs men into thinking you’re hot, and then by the time they realize you’re not hot in any traditional sense, they’ve already found the true awesomeness within you. Sometimes.
God, I want to be a woman on Whiny McWhiner’s planet instead of Earth.